Escape: A post fourth year Hogwarts tale
by Luna Rosa
Summary: Can Sirius & Remus finally find the love they desperately seek, more important can they hold onto it? And is Harry able to carry on his life in Privet Dr after the drama of the last year? Written pre OoP
1. Introduction

ESCAPE: A post fourth-year Hogwarts tale. 

I'm saying all this now so I can get it over with and concentrate on the story.

Warning: This fic is rated R and is a Slash i.e. male/male coupling. Don't like! Then turn back now.

Disclaimer: Anything you recognise from the universe of Harry Potter, clearly belongs to J.K. Rowling. Any other attempts at originality, unfortunately, belongs to me.

Dedications: This fic is dedicated to the writing of Arabella and Zsenya, whose story 'After the End' (story id: 282139) I stumbled upon by chance, but soon became completely captivated by. I thank them for their intellect and insight into the future of J.K. Rowling's characters and for introducing me so magnificently to the world of Fan fiction. I graciously borrow the term of Lupin Lodge from their story and hope they will see this as the homage I mean it to be.

I also dedicate this to Marauder (260306) who told me just to publish and not to worry about my mistakes. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Thanks.

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."   
**—Louisa May Alcott**


	2. Chapter One: Healing Hands

**Escape: A post fourth-year Hogwarts tale.**

Title: Escape: A post fourth-year Hogwarts tale  
Author: lovegrrl   
Feedback: lovegrrl_in@hotmail.com   
Fandom: Harry Potter   
Summary: After the events at the Triwizard tournament can Harry carry on, and will Sirius and Remus find the solace they are both searching for.  
Status: Complete, Written Pre OoP but some points have been taken into account.  
Archive: www.fanfiction.net, , Azkaban's Lair. Anywhere else; just ask.   
Spoilers: PoA, GoF and possible OoP  
Warnings: Slash i.e. male/male coupling. Don't like! Then turn back now.  
Rating: R – NC-17, though I'm not too sure of US rating.  
Originally posted: FF.net  
Pairings: Sirius/Remus.   
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
Dedications: This fic is dedicated to the writing of Arabella and Zsenya, whose story 'After the End' I stumbled upon by chance, but soon became completely captivated by. I thank them for their intellect and insight into the future of J.K. Rowling's characters and for introducing me so magnificently to the world of Fan fiction. I graciously borrow the term of Lupin Lodge from their story and hope they will see this as the homage I mean it to be.  
I also dedicate this to Marauder who told me just to publish and not to worry about my mistakes. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Thanks.  
  
Post OoP Note:  
As things will with the publication of any series, some of the fact which I have presented in this story have now become defunct and almost annoyingly so. I wrote this story with love and attention to the canon we had at the time and think it is as true a representation as I could have given. 

***

_Across the land, when sun hath set and silver rules the heavens.  
There prowls a dark and dangerous beast that man has e'er imagined.  
His snarl is set, his eyes gleam bright. He hungers for his quarry.   
'Tis man tonight whom holds his breath and not the creature harries._

_When bone doth break, and skin hath stretched across the searing arm.  
'Tis then the creature's mind is lost unto the fatal charm.  
No friendly face, no loving touch, can save the spellbound being.  
Unto the darkness, staid in quest, he carries out his slaying._

_- Celtic warning placed near areas of supposed werewolf activity. First dated – 1492._

**Chapter One: Healing Hands**

Remus twisted in his sleep; the dreams which had plagued his mind for more than a decade were taking hold of him once again. He felt his body being wrenched apart, and his heart shattering into a million pieces as the only person he had ever truly loved was taken from him forever. 

_Don't leave me._

The sheets webbed their way around his body, encasing him in a tight prison. His breath became panicked, faster now as the horror of the past fastened its icy fingers around his throat. He could see his loves face, feel his body, warm and close, but it was pulling away; leaving him behind, cold and alone. Remus turned again, thrashing against the claustrophobic covers. _No_! This couldn't be happening, not again. Remus's mind fell into blackness, deeper and deeper. The cold took him; his whole body shaking. His mind screamed in anguished terror.

Amber eyes snapped open, fear flashing in them as had done on so many other nights. Remus reached his hand up to his eyes, expecting to find tears already welling there. 'No!' He thought suddenly. 'It's not true, Sirius had escaped from Azkaban; he was innocent. He was free!' Memories of the last week came flooding back to him. 

***

Waking in the basement of Lupin Lodge after the last full moon, he had discovered a large black dog sleeping beside him. Remus looked at the mutt, his eyes still adjusting from their monthly change, not sure how to react. Its coat was matted and dirty. Its dark fur was grey in spots where the dirt had built up and on the ground there were traces of blood. 

Remus instinctively looked down at his own body. Searching for a fresh scar but he found himself unharmed. He looked over at the sleeping dog. 'He's wounded!' Then startled he thought, 'Oh my god, did I...'

Standing slowly, he took his own weight onto his legs and steadied himself. The ordeal his body had been through in the last twenty-four hours lay heavy in his muscles. The wolf bent down and gingerly tried lifting his friend, afraid of waking him or worse, hurting him more, but the dog did not stir. 

Remus carried him upstairs through the trapdoor in the bedroom floor. It was surprising how light he actually was. He laid the dog on his bed, then rushed to the bathroom for supplies to clean the wound... or wounds! '_How did he get here!' _Remus thought_ as he ripped through his medi-aide box. _

When he returned to his bedroom the dog lay in the same spot, deeply asleep_._ 'I'm going to have to wake him.' Remus realised. He didn't think he would be able to mend any wounds through that mass of hair.

He laid his hand on the dogs back shaking him gently. He didn't really want to wake him but his friend was injured and Remus needed to see how bad it was. His body throbbed as he bent down beside the bed and spoke out loud a name that he had tried for years to forget.

"Sirius?"

The dog leapt from under Remus's hand, snarling with teeth bared he readied himself for a fight. Remus fell back against the oak floorboards as the animal jumped onto him, gnashing his fangs. 

"Sirius, it's me!" Remus pleaded.

Sunlight streamed across the room spilling onto Remus's startled face. The canine's eyes finally settled on the ashen face in front of him. He fell back against the bed and – as Remus had seen him do a million times before – transformed. One thin hand lay on the floor while the other was held in front of him, guarding his chest.

Remus looked at the man before him. This shadow of a man really. His hair was no better then when he had been in animal form, his skin was grubby and bruised. Through gashes in his robes Remus could see blood. 

"Moony?" choked out from the mouth of the Animagus, the coarse sound of his own voice seemed to startle Sirius. He opened his mouth, trying to push words through the dryness but he had no energy. Every bone in his body ached; every muscle screamed out in agony, it was all he could do to stay awake.

"You're injured!" Remus said as he glanced at Sirius's chest. 

Sirius followed Remus's gaze but his eyes became lost in the blackness of his robes and his head dropped into unconsciousness.

***

That had been a week ago. Remus had dealt with Sirius's wounds as best he could but every time he looked at them he couldn't help but feel a spasm of guilt and anger at what he was. They were no longer dirty and open but they still had to be given time to mend. He had never been very good with healing charms, ironic really thinking about the numerous times he had needed them in the past, but there had always been Madam Pomfrey and after school he had always had... Remus shook his head. '_Don't think about that now!' _

Remus had done everything for Sirius in the last week. During the day they spent all their time together, but every night Remus waited for his friend to fall sleep before moving into the unfurnished spare room and sleeping on the single bed, his robes wrapped tightly around his body. Normally he would have been cold but his body was warmed by the closeness of his old friend.

They hadn't talked much. Sirius was quieter then Remus had remembered. His friend had seemed content just to take time recovering and listened in silence as Remus read to him from another book or Quidditch Periodical. Remus never read the _Daily Prophet_ to his friend, only yesterday there had been some random article about Sirius's fugitive status and uproar that he had not been caught and thrown back in Azkaban; into the only place that made Remus shiver just by its thought. Sirius had spent twelve years there and he was innocent, he didn't deserve anymore agony.

Remus had even managed to master homemade Chicken broth. Madam Pomfrey had always insisted it was the best thing for anyone recovering from sickness. While simultaneously she had tried to force the concoction down his throat.

Remus almost laughed at how their situation had changed. It had always been Padfoot helping Moony to recover, he was the strong one, he was the one who could carry Moony when he couldn't carry himself, and he was the one who would clean wounds, bandage limbs and make chicken broth. But not now!

It was on the fourth day – after he had left the danger zone – that Sirius had finally felt strong enough to walk. He had laced his arm around Remus's shoulders and slowly pulled himself up to his feet. Remus had felt a slight shudder run through Sirius's body as he gently placed his arm around his scrawny waist, giving him support.

"You ready?" Remus had asked, unsure of how to react.

Sirius had nodded, his face stony but Remus saw apprehension in his eyes.

"We can wait," Remus offered. "You've come a long way already."

"No," he said hoarsely, still not used to talking. "I have to do it today."

Sirius took a determined step forward. His arm clasped tighter around Remus's shoulder. Remus felt sparks run up and down his spine. He became warm against this touch. _'Stop it. STOP IT!' _His mind screamed.

Sirius took another step, then another.

"That is really good, Sirius." 

Remus saw a smile break across Sirius's face, a genuine smile which touched his eyes.

"Do you want me to let go?"

Sirius looked deeply into his companion's eyes. '_Those eyes, those eyes.'___

"No..." Sirius placed his hand on his own waist on top of Remus's. "Don't let go." 

Remus could not pull his eyes away. Sirius's hand clenched his a little tighter and Remus was surprised to feel how cold they were. 

"Can you help me back to the bed?" Sirius asked eventually.

They turned back slowly and Remus lowered Sirius gently onto the bed, being careful not to touch his healing scars. The scars Remus had caused.

"Thank you, Moony." Sirius pulled his friend's alabaster hand to his mouth, closed his eyes and kissed it gently.

Remus felt the roughness of Sirius lips made so because of many years in Azkaban and then another year on the run. He felt how rake like Sirius's hand had become because of little food and even less care. He felt how shallow his breath was and the dryness of his mouth as he pulled away, but he felt something else as well, something he had hoped for more then all others. 

He felt love.

***

The next few days Sirius had made an amazing recovery. Spurred on, Remus hoped, by his care and attention. Sirius still wasn't talking a lot but they had both become more comfortable with each other, almost like when they were young. 

Remus would find himself staring at Sirius's hair which was still tangled and messy even though he had cut it. His stubble seemed to grow at an abnormal rate and would shadow his already dark complexion. And his eyes – it was his eyes that attracted Remus's attention the most. These pools, which did not rest and were full of every emotion. There was much anger but also weariness. They often worried Remus. The things he had been through – his lycanthropy, the all consuming pain of the early transformations, even the isolation imposed on him by the wizarding world because of his condition – seemed nothing compared to the pain he could see in Sirius's eyes. The man had been through more in the first thirty five years of his life than anyone should have to experience, and still the torment had not ended. He was being forced to live in secrecy, never knowing when or if his name would be cleared. Never being able to give back to Harry what had been taken from him. Remus knew this was what Sirius thought about on those long days.

Last night, they had sat in the living room watching the embers of the fire die away. Outside, stars had begun to sparkle in the velvet sky and the light in the room dimmed into dusk.

"I'm tired, Moony," Sirius had said in a whisper.

Remus marked the book he had been reading and laid it aside.

"Do you want to go to bed?"

Sirius turned to look into Remus's eyes. That wasn't what he had meant. His eyes spoke to Remus's heart, they looked so exhausted. Remus reached out a hand to Sirius.

"Oh Padfoot."

Sirius looked down at his own hands, the emotion overwhelming his body.

"I've felt like this for so long. In Azkaban - the Dementors - they just," Sirius stopped unable to talk of the horrors he had seen. "I thought when I got out of there that everything would change. I thought I'd _feel_ young again. I had to make sure Harry was ok, and then _Pettigrew," he spat the name like venom from his mouth. "I wasn't able to stay anywhere for long. I feel like I'll never get my life back Moony. _This_ is as human as I've felt since..." he stopped. Remus could almost sense his feelings for he felt them too. He was thinking about that night when his whole world changed. That night when Sirius had lost himself in rage and anger, only wanting to do one thing. Kill._

Remus reached out and pushed back the hair which had fallen in front of Sirius's eyes. He ran a soft, warm hand down his cheek. It was the most Sirius had said since he arrived, Remus knew there was more but it could wait. They had time. 

Sirius looked up at the man opposite him through teary eyes. 

"Why would you want me here, Moony?" Sirius questioned, afraid of the answer.

Remus looked into the face of a man he had known for over twenty years. An innocent face, a beautiful face.

"Because you're my friend, Padfoot." he said truthfully. "I love you."

"Even when you thought I had betrayed..."

"Yes!" Remus said defiantly. "Even then I loved you."

Sirius collapsed into the arms of the other man. His emotions fell out of him and he sobbed. Remus enveloped Sirius's thin shoulders and pulled him close, wanting to take his pain away. Wanting to take it all away. He stroked his hair trying to comfort him. Sirius's arms moved around Remus's waist and clung to his back in desperate emotion. 

He needed to hold onto something that was real. 

***

When Sirius moved out of Remus's arms, his eyes were red and troubled. The fire had died down to a dwindling glow. He sat back against the sofa, his movement a little unsure.

"Thanks."

Remus simply smiled, missing the warmth that Sirius had brought to his embrace.

Sirius rubbed the remaining tears from his eyes with the heel of his hand and wiped them into his – now mended – robes. He winced as his hand grazed the area of his scars.

"Still sore?" Remus asked uneasily. 

"Bruised," explained Sirius.

"I tried to do as good a job as I could."

"Almost perfect," with a quick thankful look.

Remus squirmed in his seat, how – after so long – had he lashed out. His werewolf self wasn't meant to be dangerous anymore. The Wolfsbane should have sedated him.

"I'm sorry," he said finally.

"For what?"

Remus looked down at the canine's chest. Sirius was confused at first but when he looked back at Remus he realized what he had meant.

"You didn't do this, Moony!" Sirius said.

Remus looked up surprised.

"I got hit by a Muggle."

"A Muggle?" Remus repeated, wondering how a Muggle could possibly do that much damage.

"A Muggle car... they didn't even stop!"

Relief swept over Remus. In his fear he hadn't really thought about the wounds, just assumed he had done it. Now he realised that they were not the gashes of a beast's claw. Worry drained from his body as he felt two large lean hands cup his face. Their warmth comforted him as they tilted his gaze to meet those deep pools again.

"I know you would never hurt me, Moony." Sirius said, his voice stronger then it had been in months. "Never!"

Remus's hand reached out and touched Sirius's face. His thumb moved light as a feather over Sirius's bottom lip, parting them slightly. His eyes sparked with passion and he took in a sharp short breath. 

The fire embers cracked, Remus could feel his heart beating – hard – against his chest. He didn't want to lose this moment, this moment he had waited half his life for. He wanted to take Sirius in his arms and kiss him so passionately that he would never leave again. He wanted to feel Sirius's body next to him, to feel his weight on top of him. 

Then – without being given another chance to think about it – he felt Sirius move towards him, he felt his fast breath on his cheek. Sirius's lips were less then an inch away from his and then there was no space, there was only where he ended and Sirius began. His lips tingled and Sirius softly pushed against them, wanting the same. Remus moved his hand down Sirius's face and around to the nape of his neck. 

Sirius's hand travelled up to the chocolate locks that was Remus's hair and ran his fingers through it gently. His other hand joined him quickly, loving the silk running through his fingers. He felt Remus pull away slightly but pulled him back into a more passionate embrace.

Remus's hands became more adventurous now. The moved from Sirius's neck over his shoulders and ran over his chest. He felt Sirius wince slightly at the pain and pulled his mouth away just long enough to say "Sorry," before being pulled back to bruised lips. His hand riffled Sirius robes and finally his felt his hand touch skin. He knew how emaciated Sirius's body had become, he had seen the ribs sticking out even through Sirius fine chest hair and now, as his hands ran through that hair, he felt warmth there.

Sirius pulled back for the first time from this kiss, his face serious, his eyes longing.

"I think it's time for bed." he said earnestly. He stood up and took Remus by the hand.

"Are you sure?" Remus asked.

Sirius simply nodded.

***

Remus lay in his own bed, for the first time in a week, thinking about last night. It had been desperate and frantic; they made up for the last twelve years in one night. They had clung to each other, afraid to let go, afraid of losing each other again. Instead they had lost themselves in each other. For hours they kissed, caressed, licked, sucked, pushed and pulled, shuddering in ecstasy, doing anything to make it last. Finally Remus had fallen into an exhausted sleep, more satisfied then ever in his life.

Then the dream had come, jolting him awake before the first streams of daylight even started to file into the room. But now it was different, he was no longer alone. He had Sirius.

Remus turned in the darkness and reached out for Sirius. He hand fell onto the bed beside him – empty. Remus shot up, looking frantically at the other side of the bed. No, this wasn't happening. Had he just dreamed it? He shook his head. It had been real, it had to be. 

He scanned the room, then jumped out of bed and threw on his robes. He headed for the door but stopped just as his hand touched the cool brass knob... What was he going to do? Hunt Sirius down just like everyone else... but he wasn't everyone else. They were friends – no not friends, he corrected – lovers. He had to find him. He had to make sure everything was ok. 

Remus turned the handle and opened the door. Stepping into the hallway he had seen a dim light coming from the living room. 'I never put out the fire,' he thought. 

He walked towards the living room and through the open door saw Sirius sitting on the floor in front of a newly stoked fire. Its flames were small, and Remus couldn't feel its heat.

Sirius's legs were pulled up under his chin and his arms were wrapped around them. He didn't move, just stared into the fire. 'He hasn't changed,' thought Remus looking at the man-child in front of him and thinking back to their days in Hogwarts.

"Padfoot?" Remus said affectionately.

He noticed Sirius flinch but he didn't move or answer.

"Do you want a bigger fire?" Remus asked

"No... it's just enough to keep the cold out!"

"Do you want to come back to bed?"

"I can't," Sirius said bluntly "I can't sleep in that bed... I can't sleep next to you."

***


	3. Chapter Two: Confession

**Chapter Two: Confession**

Padfoot dropped the branches and twigs he had collected from his jaws, and transformed back to his human self. The taste of sap was strong in his mouth and startled him. He almost gagged on the flavour but managed to control himself. His mouth was always so dry lately.

He stoked the cinders and threw some dry leaves into the hearth, hoping they would light quickly. His wand would have come in handy right now, he thought irritably. He could have used Remus's but it was too risky to use a registered wand illegally. Especially when Remus was supposed to be living alone. It would have been too easy for someone to put two and two together and he would be back in Azkaban before he said Merlin.

A few leaves caught fire and Sirius threw on a couple of branches, they were wet and didn't light well but it was enough. How many times had he done this over the last year and a half? Sometimes he'd been too afraid to light a fire in case it would draw someone's attention. No doubt they would find it strange to see a dog asleep in front of a fire and no owner nearby, wizard or no. So much of the time he had gone without the heat simply curling up under a tree or in an unused shed. 

He pulled his robes around himself and stared into the flames. Willing himself not to think anymore, but it was impossible.

Was this what his life was now? He didn't really know how long it had been since he had left Hogwarts. One month, maybe two. Remus said he had been practically unconscious for the first couple of days but he didn't even remember how he had gotten to Lupin Lodge. Haphazard moments came back to him, talking to Arabella Figg and Mundungus Fletcher, trying to stay unnoticed, even in animal form, when near known wizarding homes and – Harry. Harry's face when he told him he had to go. Harry trying so hard to sound strong but Sirius knew the boy had been upset. He didn't deserve it, not Harry.

Sirius hadn't been able to sleep for days, ever since he left the 'Danger zone' as Remus called it. He wanted to be happy, he wanted to feel like a human being, but it seemed impossible. He was an empty shell, filled with hatred, anger and revenge. Only last night had he felt something different. Only then, while he grabbed and clawed at his lover's flesh, had he felt alive. In those fraught, hot, throbbing moments he felt like change was possible, but once it was over, once Remus was asleep again, he felt cold. He had lain in that bed, with an amazing man who loved him, who had just given his body to him and he couldn't bear it. He couldn't give Remus what he wanted. He didn't have it in him.

So yet again he had left Remus alone. No explanation, no last goodbyes. Was this the way a normal person acted? What would he do now? Where would he go? Would he leave completely? Then he remembered, _I have nowhere to go, Remus is my only friend._

In the background he could hear the bedroom door open, then the soft padding of Remus's feet as he moved towards the living room.

_Oh no, not now, go back to bed for gods sake, don't come in here, don't start talking to me like... like..._ like what, like a lover?

Sirius stared into the fire. He could feel Remus's eyes upon him, watching him in the firelight but he didn't talk. What was he thinking? _Please don't talk, just go back to bed._

"Padfoot?" 

The name, that name which Remus only used when he knew Sirius needed reassurance, companionship, or just to know that someone cared.

"Do you want a bigger fire?" 

"No... it's just enough to keep the cold out," he heard himself say, but nothing could keep out the cold. He had hoped maybe, just maybe, Remus would. But he had been wrong.

"Do you want to come back to bed?"

Sirius closed his eyes, he wanted that more then anything.

"I can't," Sirius said bluntly "I can't sleep in that bed... I can't sleep next to you."

Sirius felt the room tremble. A moment ago it had an edge of love, a warmth coming from the doorway but now that shook as if it had been punched in the stomach.

What made him say that? He shouldn't have said it, he shouldn't have told the truth.

Sirius dropped his head onto his knees, what had he just done? Remus didn't deserve this. He shouldn't have come here. He should have gone somewhere and died alone, it was what he deserved.

Sirius turns his head and looked into the face of an old friend. A friend who now stood in complete shock, a friend whose pale face was blanching with fear and hurt. His hand clutched the doorframe, keeping his feet on the ground. Trying to keep himself from falling.

Sirius's heart jerked. He stood and walked towards Remus, wanting to stop his pain, but the werewolf recoiled from him.

"Please," Sirius implored.

"Don't Sirius! Don't come near me, or I don't know what I'll do." Remus's voice was impassioned but shook with the rage of a lover scorned. Sirius stopped in his tracks.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"Where would you go?" Remus almost accused him.

Sirius looked away, he didn't have anywhere!

"You can stay here... but don't come near me again!" Remus warned.

With that Remus turned and walked away. Sirius stood in the middle of the room not knowing how to react. What did people normally do in these situations? Sirius didn't know. He never had the luxury of learning by experience. In Azkaban there was never any need to talk to anyone, never a need to communicate. Once a year Fudge had come to see him; even then his mind seemed to numb him to silence, but somehow – _somehow – he had always managed to force out some kind of logical conversation. Maybe it was the knowledge of his own innocence._

Sirius heard Remus's receding foot steps. He heard the door to the bedroom open...

"WAIT!" he shouted.

The door stopped.

What now? He didn't know... but he had a chance. He walked into the hallway and looked at his lover standing so far away from him. He felt even further away.

"Give me a chance."

"To do what?" said Remus.

"...To explain!"

Remus looked him up and down, trying to ascertain his sincerity. Sirius stood like before a jury, waiting for the verdict.

"In there." Remus said finally, motioning his lithe hand towards the living room.

***

Remus had flicked his wand at the fire when he walked in and it had instantly blazed up. Sirius's eyes winced at the unexpected light but he didn't say anything as he sat down into the couch. Remus had chosen to sit in the armchair on the other side of the fire. Sirius sighed, he shouldn't have expected anything more then that. 

"I..." Sirius faltered, trying to put into words something he had tried to bury deep inside. Something he didn't understand himself. He looked up at Remus whose eyes were averted, playing with a lose threat on the arm of the chair. Sirius smiled sadly, h_e had to talk!_

"In Azkaban... it got to a point where everything felt normal; the cell, the freezing cold, the screams, even the horror in my head. It began to feel like that was the way it had always been. The day I found out I could still transform – that as Padfoot it wasn't as terrible – I think then I realised that something was wrong. I knew I had to get away! If I escaped and I could be human again without the Dementors outside the door making me – insane."

Sirius stopped for a moment, bitterness flashed through his eyes but he went on.

"When I escaped I started to remember things. Things they had taken from me. Things that I would _never_ have giving up willingly," Sirius took in a sharp breath "They made me forget _you!"_

Remus finally looked up to meet Sirius's eyes.

"They took all my happy memories, everything I cared about... everything I – _loved_... I think they took you first."

Remus shivered in the firelight.

"Are you cold?"

Remus shook his head. Sirius sat forward on the seat and clasped his hands together.

"When I got you back," Sirius continued "I didn't remember everything at first but it made me want to kill Pettigrew even more. He'd taken James and Lily, but he'd taken you as well and I hated him for that. My body would shake with rage. I wanted him to _die. I wanted him to feel in one moment all the pain I had felt since he betrayed Lily and James... but Harry wouldn't let me do it, it was his choice but he should've let me..." Sirius stopped. He couldn't get angry, not now._

"That night when I seen you in The Shrieking Shack, _everything came back," a smile flashed on Sirius's lips. "Things we had done together; Graduation, Lily and James's Wedding, the '78 World Cup." Sirius and Remus both grinned despite themselves. _

"I had all the memories but I couldn't fit it all together, I was an echo of my former self, I didn't feel human... I _don't feel human. I've lost something else and I don't know if I can ever get it back."_

Remus looked at Sirius his eyes softer, looking for answers.

"Sirius, I don't understand what this had to do with you not wanting to sleep next to me?"

"I do _want_ to!" Sirius exclaimed "I just can't."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "So you can fuck me but you can't hold me!" Sirius was taken aback by Remus's words. He had never heard him speak like that. He didn't know exactly how to answer. Remus just looked at him waiting.

"Remus, I spent years afraid of being near _anyone. In Azkaban I knew if I felt anyone's touch it was a Dementor taking another part of me. When we – last night – I felt alive for the first time in years. I could feel the blood pumping through my veins, I felt my skin burning and I smelt life."_

"And afterwards?"

"I just... felt cold. I can't explain it. It's like the Dementors still have a hold on me. They felt that I was happy, and they took it from me."

Sirius looked away. He didn't know what else to say. He was fighting for his life and he couldn't even explain how he felt.

"Do you love me?" Remus asked, his eyes trying not to betray emotions.

"I don't know if I can... love." Sirius answered looking at the fire.

"Do you love Harry?"

Sirius looked up at Remus and surprised himself with a definite "Yes! I don't know how, but yes.""

"Is that a happy thought?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because I can't protect him, look what happened this year! Voldemort had him in his grasp, he was nearly killed and where was I?"

"That's not your fault, Sirius!"

"It's not Harry's either," Sirius half shouted, anger flashing through his eyes. "I just don't want him to be hurt anymore."

Remus looked away into the fire. Sirius watched him for a moment, the flames casting shadows over his face.

"Do you understand?" Sirius asked.

"Well," Remus said "I guess we figured out our problem."

Sirius looked at him inquisitively.

"You _can_ love," Remus explained. "You just don't love me."

"That's not true," Sirius moved forward and knelt in front of Remus "I _remember_ loving you; I know every line of your body with out even touching you. I can tell just by smelling you how you feel. I know I can love you; I'm just... so fucked up, Remus. I need time to heal." He moved forward putting his hand on Remus's knee. "Just give me time," Sirius pleaded with his dog eyes. "I'm not saying it would be easy, I don't even know if I can change, but there is only one person in the world I would ever be able to do it for."

Daylight was beginning to bleed into the room. It worked its way across the floorboards and crept up Sirius's face, filling it with the beauty of the morning sun. Suddenly it seemed like the face of a younger man, one who wasn't so pained and scarred. The heart of the werewolf melted. He reached a tentative hand out to touch Sirius, not sure how he would react, hoping that he would fall into his arms but Remus's mind telling him better.

Just then a fluttering of feathers was heard at the window and a large snowy owl swooped through. She flew around the room once before landing neatly on Remus's knee next to where Sirius had laid his hand. She looked from Remus to Sirius before opening and closing her wings smugly.

"Someone is proud of her self," Sirius teased before untying the letter from Hedwig's leg. As Sirius read the note Remus ran his fingers over the owl's feathers. Hedwig moved her head against his hand affectionately and gave his finger an appreciative nip before spreading her wings to fly off.

"Hold on you!" Sirius said to the bird and she turned and gave him a nasty look. Sirius handed the letter to Remus.

"Read that!" Sirius said with an edge of irritation. Remus looked down at the piece of parchment Sirius half threw at him inquisitively, wondering what possibly could have annoyed him.

_Dear Snuffles,_

_I don't know how Hedwig will find you but if she does please reply by return owl. (Maybe let her rest a while if you can.)_

_Dumbledore wants me to stay with my aunt and uncle again for the summer, he says it's for my own protection but I think I'll end up doing something stupid if Dudley tries to hit me with his Smeltings stick again, HA HA.. If I can I'm going to stay with Ron before September. Will you come visit us?_

_Better go, I've had to write this by starlight as I'm not meant to be using Hedwig._

_Harry_

_P.S. If you're 'lying low' at Professor Lupin's say hi from me._

Remus smiled at the last line. He looked up at Sirius.

"What about it?" Remus asked.

"Can't you see he's being stupid? He wants to go and stay at the Weasleys' after all that's happened!"

"Of course he does! Who would _want to stay with Petunia Evans?" Remus grimaced remembering the awful things James had told him about her treatment of Lily._

"Dumbledore sent him there for a _reason!"_

"I know that, Padfoot," Remus cooed. "But the boy is lonely, he has no one of his kind around and the Muggles he's staying with aren't exactly pleasant."

"What about Arabella?" Sirius challenged.

Remus smirked. "Now we all know that Arabella isn't exactly the full Galleon!" Remus smiled up at Sirius.

Sirius ignored this and grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill from the desk.

_Harry,_

_Stay where you are! Dumbledore is a great man and you listen to him. I'll try to get Padfoot to Privet Drive if I can._

_Snuffles_

Sirius glanced at the frown on Remus's face and scribbled.

_P.S. Professor Lupin says hi._

***

Author's note: The reasoning and basis for Sirius's behaviour in these chapters was conceived from personal experience. Knowing what it is like to be so deeply harmed in your youth by something completely outside your control and the residual feelings you are left with, made it possible for me to identify strongly with Sirius. Twelve years of abuse left him fearful of being touched, fearful of contact with another human being because of the violence he has experienced. He is able to 'fuck' Remus, as it is so nicely put, because he can disconnect himself from the action and allow his instincts to dominate but when it is over he can't hide anymore. In his head he knows Remus won't hurt him but his skin crawls with memories of pain and cruelty. 

This chapter is dedicated, with all my heart and understanding, to every reader who identifies with these feelings. You are not alone!

***


	4. Chapter Three: Flying Lessons

**Chapter Three: Flying Lessons**

Harry woke to the thundering of Uncle Vernon's voice from downstairs.

'Up! Get up! _Now!'_

Harry groaned and pushed aside the covers of his bed. His feet hit the floor and he stretched his arms into the air, trying to shake off his tiredness. It had been very late when he had finally fell asleep last night and he was hoping the Dursleys would forget about waking him today of all days, but Harry had no such luck.

Harry had been back in Privet Drive only a few weeks but felt like he couldn't be back in Hogwarts quick enough. Even after what had happened last year, even after Cedric... Harry needed to be somewhere he felt normal. Somewhere people understood what had happened, what _would happen! He doubted whether his aunt and uncle had even heard of Voldemort, or understood what it meant that he had risen again. They wouldn't even care about the fact that Harry was in so much danger._

Harry shook his head; he had promised himself that he wouldn't worry about what would happen, there was nothing he could do about it. Dumbledore said he would be safe here and Harry believed him, but there was still a part of Harry that ached to be at The Burrow with Ron. Mrs Weasley had wanted him there and maybe, just maybe he would make it before the start of September. 

Rubbing the sleep out of his emerald eyes he stood up and padded over to the small wooden wardrobe which held a meagre selection of over-sized clothes. Harry sighed, even though he had a few pieces of clothing he had bought himself in Diagon Alley these had been locked away with most other thing his aunt and uncle thought were 'too' magical. Harry picked out a pair of worn brown corduroys; he had to wrap the belt twice around his waist before it fit. Unfortunately as Harry had grown so had Dudley, but in different directions. The trousers were about an inch too short for Harry's legs and under them he could see his uncle's discarded purple and green socks. '_Only three more years,'_ he told himself in a strained voice. Then he could live where he wanted, maybe sooner if Sirius was cleared. Harry almost didn't allow himself to wish.

This summer had been the worst by far. They were supposed to be sitting their O.W.L.S at the end of their fifth year and most of the teachers had given them assignments to do over the summer, but unlike the other students at Hogwarts, Harry had been forbidden by his aunt and uncle to even mention anything to do with 'That School!' so he had been forced to do his assignments late at night under his covers, with only a torch for company. He knew this meant his writing would be messy and probably difficult to read but there was no other way. He had tried to argue with his aunt and uncle but they couldn't care less about how well Harry did in school. As far as they were concerned, it was burden enough to have him there for the summer.

It annoyed Harry. He was nearly fifteen and had fought against worse things in his life then his aunt and uncle, but they always managed to make him feel so unimportant, so useless. He would probably have gone mad if it hadn't been for almost daily owls from Ron, Hermione or Hagrid. He was also able to let Hedwig out at night because he had learned a silencing charm from Hermione so that even if Hedwig was making noise the Dursleys wouldn't hear her.

His face frowned at the thought of his owl. Harry wondered if Hedwig had found his godfather. He hadn't heard from Sirius since after the Triwizard Tournament, when Dumbledore had sent him to contact the old crowd, and he was starting to get worried. It was hard to continue to threaten the Dursleys with dangerous retaliation from his 'murderer' godfather when he didn't even know where Sirius was. What if something had happened to him! He could be back in Azkaban, or worse. 

Harry shuddered as he thought about the Dementors. '_No_,' he told himself, 'Hedwig will find him and he'll be fine.' Hermione had been keeping him up to date on news from the Daily Prophet and she hadn't said anything. And Ron had assured him that he'd pass on any Ministry news his dad happened to mention, there was no reason for Harry to feel so nervous but as he looked into the mirror and tried to make his hair look 'normal', the frown on his face only deepened.

***

When Harry went down for breakfast he was surprised to see Dudley sitting at the table, the diet Dudley had been put on by the doctor was long forgotten. His cousin had gotten into the habit of staying in bed as long as possible this summer and Harry had often seen Aunt Petunia carrying a tray laden with food upstairs to serve breakfast in bed to 'her Duddikins'. 

A quick look into the living room explained everything. The room was packed with birthday presents for the hefty fifteen year old, half of which had already been ripped open and thrown aside, some of the presents Harry could make out were a laptop computer, a radio controlled car, a tent-sized number seven football jersey (a sort of Muggle game played with a round ball) and various of the latest computer games and CDs.

Harry sat down at the kitchen table and started buttering a piece of toast.

"Bout time you were up!" Uncle Vernon said sternly "We've got a busy day today, isn't that right Petunia." Vernon grinned at Petunia who nodded back. "And we won't have _you_ making us late."

Harry smiled weakly. He knew his Uncle had not included him as part of that day but Harry didn't mind so much. Ever since he had found out that Mrs Figg was a witch he had been looking forward to seeing her again. He thought that maybe she would be able to tell him more about his parents or at least have news from the wizarding world. Harry was sure that, on orders of Dumbledore, Sirius had been to see her as well and he hoped she would be able to tell him how the 'old dog' was doing.

Harry silently laughed at his own joke and Petunia gave him a look that seemed to say 'strange boy' before turning her best syrupy smile to her only child.

"Did you like your presents, Duddy?" Petunia asked her bear of a son. 

Dudley grunted while shovelling another forkful of bacon into his mouth. Harry suddenly got an image of Dudley, aged eleven, squealing loudly, while his hands groped at the pig's tail protruding from his rear end, complements of Hagrid. Harry had to bite down quickly on his toast to stop himself from laughing out loud.

"Well Mummy and Daddy have one more for you."

Dudley looked up from his breakfast, a piece of rasher hanging from his mouth. Harry nearly choked as he was swallowing his toast and started coughing; he managed to take a mouthful of water just as Petunia was giving him an irritated look.

From her apron pocket Petunia pulled out a white envelope and put it on the table in front of Dudley. He looked at it blankly for a moment before reluctantly putting down his knife and fork to pick it up.

"It's for doing so well in your exams." Petunia gushed.

Harry scoffed. He wasn't exactly the best student but at least he had passed all his subjects. Dudley had barely managed to get pass marks in half of his, failing at least three if not more. Petunia alleged that it was because her Duddy was so sensitive, while Vernon grumbled about Smelting teaching standards falling since his days.

Dudley ripped the top of the envelope off and shook it until a small embossed card dropped out. He picked it up and looked at it, unimpressed, slowly reading what it said. As he started to understand his eyes grew wide and excited. He looked up from the card to his mother's proud face.

"Oh thank you, Mummy!" Dudley threw his immense arms around his mother's neck almost knocking her off her chair. Vernon looked on proudly at his son and heir half smothered his wife. 

Harry frowned at Dudley. The only time he ever showed any kind of thanks or gratitude to his parents was when they had given him something unusually extravagant.

Harry craned his neck to see what was written on the card. He could only make out a few words but that was more then enough. He felt unmatched panic grip his heart as the word helicopter was quickly followed by the word lessons. The thought of Dudley at the controls of a machine that large was too much to imagine. Harry remembered that it had only taken Dudley a week to destroy the mountain bike he had gotten the year before Harry started at Hogwarts. Harry now had the image of a screaming Dudley at the helm as the machine careered into houses, shops and schools.

Dudley noticed Harry eyeing the card and snapped it up quickly from the table.

"What do you think of that, _Potter?" Dudley smirked. "Jealous?" asking Harry the question and brandishing his one-way ticket to the emergency room in his face._

"Not really," Harry answered calmly "I've been flying my broom for four years. It's not that difficult!"

Harry watched as Dudley elephant weight fell back into his chair, terror sweeping on his face. Petunia gasped, clasping her hand to her mouth and Vernon shot quickly to his feet, his face was scarlet with rage. 

"I told you not to mention THAT SCHOOL!" Vernon hissed.

Harry was about to argue that he hadn't, in fact, mentioned Hogwarts when he felt the back of his shirt being jerked as Vernon pulled him to his feet and marched him towards the front door.

***

Outside on Privet Drive, the neighbourhood children played in the road while their parents cut the lawn or washed the family car, taken full advantage of the summer sun and giving them a chance to have a friendly gossip. 

When the door of number four flew open with a bang, many heads turned to see nice, respectable Mr Dursley pulling his unhinged and dangerous nephew out onto the street and dragging him across the road. No doubt the little hooligan had smashed the television, or tried to steal the car. Wasn't it only last year that the boy had completely destroyed their living room before being taken back to school for extra rehabilitation. They had the decorators in for weeks putting it all back together. Some thought how charitable it had been for the Dursleys to take the boy in after his irresponsible parents had killed themselves in that car crash, and _this_ was how the brat repaid them. 

Harry caught glimpses of their disgusted faces and turned to see Dudley and Petunia standing in the doorway nodding politely to them. Petunia was probably already thinking up some story to explain this to the neighbours, while at the same time putting all the blame on her nephew, thought Harry just as Vernon pulled him around the corner. His Uncle was talking under his breath, Harry strained to hear what he said.

"Bad enough to have to put up with him all summer, bad enough that his _barmy_ old coot of a teacher said we had to, but speaking that filth in _MY house!"_

Harry could feel Vernon's anger. Even though he was fifteen and growing quickly his uncle could still shake him around like a rag doll.

Vernon turned again and walked through a pair of black garden gates into a slightly overgrown garden. 'Aunt Petunia would _never approve of that,' thought Harry wryly as he looked at the unkempt lawn. Vernon crossed to the door in a few steps and banged his fist sharply against it. A moment later an old woman opened the door and looked at shaken Harry and enraged Vernon._

Vernon flung Harry through the doorway, turned and walked away.

Harry watched as the gate clattered loudly and Vernon disappeared behind the hedge which surrounded the garden. He sighed and turned to the aged women next to him.

"Sorry 'bout that, I accidentally slipped the words flying and broom into the same sentence," Harry explained.

"Well, at least it was an interesting start to my morning, Harry." She grinned as she closed the door and turned back to the young wizard.

"How about some Butterbeer?" she said, a spark of mischief in her eyes. 

A huge smile spread across Harry's face.

***

Harry beamed from ear to ear as he was handed his second hot Butterbeer. Even though it was summer and not at all cold, the drink warmed his stomach in a way nothing else could. It was a reminder that he was a wizard; that there was more to life then the Dursleys and Privet Drive and stupid Dudley. It took him back to The Three Broomsticks and Madam Rosmerta and all that had happened to him in the last four years.

From his legs he heard a plaintiff 'Miaow' and felt the familiar rubbing of feline against his leg.

"Oh leave Harry alone, Tufty." 

"I don't mind," Harry said, the cat's grumpy expression reminded him of Crookshanks. He scooped her up with his free hand and lazily stroked her back.

"Changed your mind a bit, haven't you!" she said with a grin. "Foolish Mrs Figg not such a mad old bat anymore, is she?"

Harry blushed, he didn't think _this would happen._

"I never, I mean... I'm sorry Mrs Figg," Harry apologised honestly.

"Oh tosh, I'm only teasing you," she brushed his apology aside with her hand "and call me Arabella. Mrs Figg makes me feel like an old lady." She smiled knowing that to him she probably was.

"Now since I can't make you look through my photographs what would you like to do?" she asked Harry bringing her own glass to her lips. Harry noticed that the liquid inside was an acid green colour and wondered what it was she was drinking. She caught his eye. He had been ten the last time they saw each other and a lot had changed since then. He suddenly remembered what he had been thinking about that morning. He looked at Mrs Figg who was waiting for his answer.

"Umm I was wondering... Professor Dumbledore said he should see you and I wondered if you'd... If you've talked to Sirius Black?" Harry looked up hopefully.

"Of course dear, he came to see me a while ago, must be nearly two month ago," she became sombre. "Now you mustn't ask what we talked about but I suppose you can guess."

"Oh, it's just that he hasn't been in touch and I was getting a bit worried."

"He hasn't!" Mrs Figg startled at this news. "That's very strange, he hardly stopped talking about you, but then he was already pretty worn out when I seen him. I tried to convince him to stay the night but he insisted he had more people to visit. Did you try owling him?"

"I sent Hedwig out last night, but..." Harry looked depressed.

"Oh don't worry child, if anything bad happened I'm sure it would be in _The Prophet_, Fudge wouldn't let an opportunity like _that_ go by!" Harry shivered, not sure how much better this actually made him feel.

"I guess," Harry finally managed to say.

"That's a good lad, now tell me how is your schoolwork going? You're studying hard for your exams I hope?" she asked, sounding like an interested relative.

"Yeah, I mean it's taking me longer to do because I can only study at night. Uncle Vernon won't let me do it during the day but..." 

"_WHAT_!" Mrs Figg shot up like she had been poked in the back. "That's out_ra_geous; doesn't he _care how well you do?"_

"No... not really!" Harry explained.

"_Right_, we're going over there right _now_ and getting your books. You can do your work here if that stupid prune won't let you work at home."

"We can't do that!" startled Harry. "You already seen the way he treated me this morning. I don't want that all summer."

"Ok," Mrs Figg said calming herself. "Well how about a little magic? We'll be able to get you your books. I'll tell Vernon that I need some odd jobs done. That way you can come over whenever you want and do you work without them getting suspicious. Ok?" Mrs Figg looked at Harry for approval. 

Harry nodded his head in an unsure yes and Mrs Figg smiled mischievously again. Harry couldn't help but get the feeling that she was very much like the Weasley twins when she was younger and had never really grown out of it.

***

Mrs Figg led Harry to a room packed with pieces of parchment, huge leather bound books, and jars with an assortment of herbs, roots, and small creatures inside. Harry mouth dropped. Outside of Hogwarts and The Burrow he had never seen a proper wizarding house and this was pretty impressive. He recognised powdered horn of a Bicorn and Boomslang Skin – Hermione had used in the Polyjuice potion – as well as Aconite, Wormwood and a handful of Bezoars. On the floor under the shelves was a large trunk, Harry was sure he recognised it as a Hogwarts trunk. Had Mrs Figg attended the school in her youth? Harry's attention was pulled away from the shelves by the sound of Mrs Figg's voice.

"Harry, before we do this you have to promise me something." 

Harry nodded.

"You see," Mrs Figg shifted uneasily. "Well... there are some items that the Ministry like to keep out of circulation, they're not dangerous as such just, if they fell into the wrong hands it would be... awkward." She looked directly at Harry, now completely serious. "So you have to promise me that you won't tell anyone about this!"

"I promise," Harry swore, wondering exactly what kind of item could be so special it would make Mrs Figg act like this.

"Ok then." Mrs Figg walked over to the corner and pulled a large black sheet off what looked like an empty life-sized picture frame. Harry looked at it expecting something amazing to happen but was disappointed. He looked at Mrs Figg trying to hide his expression of disappointment. Her eyes gleamed brighter now.

"It's called a Spectare Vitrum," she said getting more and more excited "basically it's a looking glass." Harry reached out and touched it. 'But there's no glass,' he thought then berated himself for being so naïve. 'Of course there was no glass, is a Chocolate frog a real frog?'

"How does it work?" he asked evenly. 

"Well it's kind of like Apparating except without a wand. No wand, no registration, no record! You can go wherever you want to and no one will ever know." She was doing a sprightly little jig now. Harry suppressed a laugh. 

"So you just have to imagine where you want to go?" Harry asked with a smile.

"No, it's not as easy as that. You have to be able to see the place in precise detail. I might know where your room is but I don't know what it looks like. You do. That's why I had to show you."

"Oh," Harry said realising that she wanted him to use it.

"Now close your eyes and start picturing your room, start with one detail and work from there. Once you're finished open your eyes again and we'll see if it worked."

Harry shut his eye and began to imaging his room. Starting with Hedwig's cage. He worked across his bed, over his trunk, past his wardrobe and mirror - seeing himself in it - then he seen the door, complete with the cat flap Vernon had installed three years ago and finally his window showing the back garden of number 4 Privet Drive. Harry took one last look making sure everything was in place before he opened his eyes.

He stared into the Spectare Vitrum but there was nothing there. He was about to look away when something caught his eye, a glint of metal as sunlight hit it. Harry realised it was the handle of his trunk. Slowly and surely, as if coming out of a mist, his room appeared before him is hazy but definite view.

Harry's mouth dropped open. Every time he experienced a new magical item it always amazed him. He had thought this would wear off as he got used to the wizarding world, but after four years he was still as impressed as ever.

"Should I go now?" he asked Mrs Figg, who was as immersed in the picture as he was. 

"You have to wait until it's clear, otherwise you could get caught in the glass." Harry looked at her in shock. "Oh it's only ever happened a few times," she reasoned. "Where do you think talking mirrors come from?"

Harry gulped and stared at his room as it came into sharper focus.

"You ready?" Mrs Figg asked. 

Harry nodded and then with falsely confident movement took two paces forward and stepped through the looking glass.

***

Author's note: Some may wonder why I have included Harry so prominently into a story, which is for the most part, concerned with the relationship between Sirius and Remus. My thinking was that if Sirius and Remus were to get together, Harry – being Sirius's godson – would be an important part of their lives, therefore he is an important part of my story. 

***


	5. Chapter Four: Time

**Chapter Four: Time**

Remus didn't know exactly how to treat Sirius. Some days he would barely touch him and Sirius would recoil, drawing his whole body away and back into himself. Other days Sirius could hardly keep his hands off Remus, and they would toil in passionate embrace for hours. Only stopping when their bodies couldn't take it anymore and needed to regain their energy. 

Remus wasn't sure which was worse. Either he wasn't able to touch Sirius or that's all he could do. There was no middle ground. No gentle caresses, no hand-holding or goodnight kiss, no warm arm around him at night. He loved Sirius, and maybe Sirius loved him but he needed more. He still lived in fear of losing him. Now when the dreams woke Remus in the middle of the night he had no warm body beside him for reassurance, no one to tell him that Sirius wouldn't leave.

His only comfort was that Moony and Padfoot could now spend the full moons together. He may not remember much of it, but he had a feeling that he was happier in those times then not.

He had sat all morning in the Lodges packed study, listening out for the slightest sound. Sirius had not been in the house when Remus had woken. It was now approaching lunch time and he had not returned. At two o'clock an owl arrived and Remus had recognised it as one of the Hogwarts staff owls. He had let Dumbledore know when Sirius showed up at his house and they had been exchanging letters on the subject since then.

He opened the letter to find the neat cursive of the Hogwarts headmaster.

_Dear Remus,_

_Things are progressing nicely here at Hogwarts. We have managed to contact many old acquaintances who are more then willing to assist us in the upcoming struggle. However our numbers are still few in comparison to Voldemort's followers. If either of you can think of witches or wizard who would be willing to help please let me know._

_Remus, I would also like to see you before the change of the moon. If Sirius is strong enough to be left, please come as soon as you can._

_Albus__ Dumbledore._

Remus laid the parchment onto the table. He had only been to Hogwarts that morning to get the first batch of Wolfsbane potion from Snape but it looked like he would be returning again. 

He picked up a quill to write a note in case Sirius returned. The tip stopped above the paper. What would Remus write? There was nothing he could say that wasn't explained in Dumbledore's letter so he propped it up on the table for Sirius to see and walked into the living room.

After throwing a handful of Floo Powder into the hearth, Remus called into the flames and stepped into the blaze.

***

Remus was thrown out into the Great Hall at Hogwarts. He steadied himself and dusted the soot from his robes. His eyes adjusted slowly to the light spilling into the hall from its vast windows and enchanted ceilings. The wolf in him growled at the brightness but Remus smoothed it back to sleep. It was strange to see the Hall like this, absent were the shouts and catcalls of students and the rustling of daily school life. 

Usually Remus would go straight to Snape's office when collecting the Wolfsbane Potion so it had been a while since he had moved through the hallways of Hogwarts. Remus walked the corridors he had travelled as a youth and then again as a Hogwarts professor a year ago, and felt a longing for those days. It had been so much easier as a Marauder, not the transformations; they had been more painful and terrifying with no potion to ease the transition, but the full moon had been spent with his friends. Even now, it surprised him how fondly he remembered these times. They had been living in the rise of a dark lord; James himself had been at danger the whole time but had never said anything, preferring to ensure the safety of his friends and then his family.

Those last years at Hogwarts had been full of fun and laughter. They had pulled pranks that even the Weasley twins would be impressed by, Remus thought with a rye grin but all the time their had been a seriousness to their exploits. From the outside it would not have been obvious. Many had called them foolish jokers and thought them to have no real concern for the school rules or the actual hardship of life but it wasn't true. Those four knew more about the cruelty of life then most at their age. Their exploits were the one way they had of escaping that cruelness for the shortest time.

Remus looked up as he reached the end of the corridor and was surprised to see the stone gargoyle which guarded Dumbledore's office looking him square in the eye. He had been so lost in thought that he hadn't noticed climbing stairs and turning corners until now. 

Remus gave the password and the gargoyle jumped aside. He climbed the moving spiral case to the oak door. He knocked on the door, trying to shake off shadows of the past. From inside he heard the rustle of papers and an aged voice bidding entrance. Remus pushed open the door and his eyes meet the face of a man he had long admired.

"Remus," Dumbledore smiled gently at the younger man. "I hadn't expected you so soon. Please come in, sit down." 

Remus took a seat next to Dumbledore's desk, as the headmaster tidied in vain. 

"It seems no matter how one tries to keep things organised they always manage to unravel themselves," the headmaster said absently. "I think perhaps I have an office gremlin running about somewhere." He smiled warmly, "terrible nuisance really!"

"Is there something wrong, Professor?" Remus asked trying to understand what exactly he was doing here. "Is there news of Voldemort?"

"Unfortunately no, he seems to keeping a low profile which as we know is _not_ something to be unconcerned about!" Dumbledore looked at Remus over his half moon glasses. "I wanted to see you on a more personal matter."

"Personal?" Remus repeated, bewildered. "How can I help?"

"I assume that Sirius is still staying with you!" 

Remus nodded. _What did Dumbledore want to know about Sirius?_

"How is he?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes serious.

Remus opened his mouth then closed it again. What was Dumbledore asking? Did he want to know about the night terrors, the times Sirius screamed out in his sleep convinced he was back in Azkaban? Sirius fear of being touched; his scars, physical _and emotional. Remus looked at Dumbledore, eyes awash with emotion._

"I do not wish you to betray your relationship," Dumbledore explained "but I am worried about Sirius." 

Remus looked into the caring eyes of his former headmaster. He needed to talk to someone about how he was feeling but he wasn't sure what to say.

"He is... he has been quiet," Remus offered "I think he has not really gotten used to his _freedom_." Remus said the word quietly, knowing that Sirius wasn't really free and not knowing when or if he would be was painful to think about.

"Has he talked to you at all?" Dumbledore asked, lacing his fingers together and resting them on his lap.

"Yes," Remus answered "but we have not scratched the surface yet. I think he feels helpless. Everything has changed. He lost thirteen years of his life... It should never have happened." Remus stopped. He could feel anger rising in his chest.

Dumbledore reached out his hand and placed it onto Remus's shoulder.

"These things _do_ happen, Remus, good and bad. It is simply up to us to try and go on."

Remus nodded, hoping that it was possible for Sirius to go on, to have a new life.

"Do you think he is ready to work again?" Dumbledore asked his brow furrowed.

"If you need him! He'll do anything for you Professor. We both will." Remus answered, painfully knowing it was the truth.

Dumbledore smiled at his loyalty.

"That is not what I asked, Remus!" Dumbledore's eyes softened and Remus could feel his resolve slip. The weight of the last weeks fell heavy on his shoulders and his head dropped, bringing a veil of chocolate in front of his eyes.

"It has not been easy!" Dumbledore said, answering for Remus.

Remus shook his head, afraid to look up in case the tears welling in his eyes would begin spilling down his face. Tears filled with pain and anger, over what had happened to Sirius. Tears crammed with thirteen years of grief and betrayal. Tears that demonstrated his real feeling for Sirius, but mostly they were tears of longing. To be living in a time without the fear of dark magic, where Harry could be safe and Remus could put his arms around the man he loved without hurting him.

"I just needed to know how he was _really doing," Dumbledore explained, gently squeezing Remus's shoulder. "He _insisted_ he was fine, but you know Sirius."_

Remus looked up. Sirius had been in touch with Dumbledore! Had he wanted to leave again? Were they that isolated from each other?

"Go home Remus, take care of Sirius. Anyone you can think of who might help just owl me." Dumbledore went back to his papers and Remus took this as a sign to leave.

***

When Remus got back to the Lodge, he found Sirius in the study, Dumbledore's letter in hand.

"Well," said Sirius "What did he have to say?"

"He just wanted to talk!"

"About what?"

"About you!" Remus had never been able to lie easily and in this situation thought it best to go for the truth. Sirius could always tell. "He is worried about you... so am I!"

Sirius fell into a worn armchair.

"Do you want dinner?" Remus asked heading for the kitchen.

"I want to _do_ something!" Sirius half shouted, his voice exasperated. "I _can't just sit around doing _nothing_."_

Remus turned back and look at Sirius slumped down in the chair. He looked healthier then when he had first arrived but his body reeked of defeat.

"Dumbledore wanted us to think of people to help," Remus offered his friend "You won't be trekking across the countryside but..."

Sirius sat forward in his chair and picked up a piece of parchment and a quill. 

"I'll make the list, you make dinner!" Sirius ordered. This was the liveliest he had seen him in weeks.

Remus smiled as he watched Sirius scratching the quill into the parchment, he'd never been that enthusiastic at school.

***

An hour later Remus sat checking Sirius's list. A frown dug into his forehead. 

Sirius looked up from his meal, fork halfway to his mouth, and caught Remus's worried expression.

"What is it, Moony?" Sirius asked lowering his fork back to the plate.

"Arnolf Ambrose?" Remus looked from the list to his friends eyes. 

"Yeah," Sirius replied. "I used to get bike parts from him. Really helpful, his son was in school with us, Ravenclaw I think, called Douglass." Sirius stopped. Remus's eyes could hardly hide the pain. "What is it, Moony?"

"The Ambroses'... They killed the Dudgeon kids," Remus's eyes closed with the pain of the memory, "tortured their parents, to get information on the Order of Phoenix. They were found guilty as Death Eaters..." Remus watched as Sirius's face turned deadly white "Sirius... they were sent to Azkaban."

Remus watched as Sirius tried to take it in. His breath came in fits and his eyes glazed with horror, rage and heartache.

"They killed Alice and John?" Sirius said, not really asking a question but trying to understand what had just been said to him. A hand covered his mouth.

Remus nodded gravely and Sirius collapsed onto the table. Remus couldn't comprehend what Sirius was going through. He'd had over a decade to grieve, and recover but Sirius had to do it now. And there were other names on the list, people who had been betrayed or turned betrayer. At least ten of the names Remus saw, were in Azkaban, others had narrowly escaped by turning informer.

Remus reached out a tentative hand and touched Sirius heaving shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Padfoot."

Sirius jumped up from the table abruptly at Remus's touch.

"I can't, I need to..." Sirius left the room without finishing the sentence. Remus's own hand covered his mouth and tears welled in his eyes. He watched as Sirius walked down the hall and into the spare room. The door slammed behind him and Remus jumped at the noise, closing his eyes tightly.

Sirius was gone.

***

This is what had happened every day leading up to the full moon. Each morning Remus would leave to get his potion from Snape and when he would return Sirius would present him with a new list of names. Every list would contain more death and betrayal, and Sirius wanted to hear it all. Remus tried to protest but Sirius would simply retort that he had to know, he had to know it all.

And Remus secretly admitted that Sirius was right, he had to know who to trust. He could be too easily compromised by the correctly placed Death Eater. It was hard to experience; every day Sirius's pain grew. Grief and anger led to Sirius isolating himself even further. Remus felt more alone now then when Sirius had been in Azkaban and his friends dead.

At night Remus would lie awake, the wolf in him restless, calling for the moon. He would hear Sirius in the next room. It pained him to be unable to comfort his friend. He wanted to reach out and sooth his pain. To wrap his arms around the troubled companion and let it all melt into the background.

On the day of the full moon Remus returned home to find Sirius sitting on the back porch. No list had been made today and Remus wondered what had occupied the mind of his friend that had made him forget about this new obsession.

"Are you ok, Padfoot?" Remus asked Sirius's back. He had taken to calling him that all the time now, it seemed to add affection to their relationship when none was there.

Sirius turned his head; he had been deep in thought and now seemed confused by this distraction. His eyes meet Remus's and his expression changed. A tender, honest smile spread across his face and his eyes lit with affection. This was Sirius's real face. Remus felt his heart ache. They held each others eyes. Remus felt his desire rising.

"How are you, Moony?"

The wolf was frantically scrambling inside of Remus. He tried hard to control it but the moon was too close and the look in Sirius eyes made him long for him.

Sirius rose up from his seat and walked over to Remus until they were barely a foot from each other. He reached his hand up and ran his finger slowly down Remus's face. From his temple, down his cheek an across his jaw line. Remus's skin jumped with electricity. He stared into Sirius's beautiful, deep eyes. 

"My Moony!"

Remus closed his eyes, he wanted this so much. He felt Sirius run his finger across his other cheek and over his lips before his hand finally came to rest on his neck, his thumb gently caressing Remus's jaw. Remus could feel his breath pulling out of his lungs; his whole body ached to hold Sirius. He wanted to put his hands all over his body. He wanted to feel Sirius move against him. He wanted it all.

Sirius's hand tightened on Remus's neck and drew him closer; he could feel Sirius's breath on his skin, the warmth of his body as it pressed into him. His lips a breath away. Any minute now they would be kissing...

"No!" Remus surprised himself and his eyes snapped open.

"No?" Sirius eyes were now confused. "I thought you wanted this."

"I do!" Remus implored.

"Then why no?"

Remus looked away. He knew what the answer was. Would Sirius understand?

"I'm afraid of losing you!"

A smile spread across Sirius face and he started to pull Remus towards him again.

"You won't ever lose me!" Sirius cooed in Remus's ear.

Remus closed his eyes wanting to believe, and then he pushed Sirius back.

"But I _am_ losing you, Sirius," Remus cried. "I lose you ever time you push me away, I lose you when I can't stop you screaming in your sleep, I even lose you when we have sex... because that's all it is Sirius. It's not love, it's sex... You might as well be fucking Snape for the amount of affection you show me!" pain shot through Remus's body. He felt Sirius fall back. Shock reverberating through his whole body.

"I'm sorry Moony," Sirius apologised, sadness gripping eyes that a moment ago had been full of desire. "I don't want to be like this but I told you it would take time."

"I under_stand_ that," Remus said, his eyes closed, afraid of tears. "I'm not questioning _that, but I can't... I can't be your fuck buddy!" Remus stopped. he didn't want to hurt Sirius but he needed to talk. "I love you Sirius, I have loved you for a long time, but I am not a play thing to be used when you are in the mood and then cast aside. You snap from depression to lust and I never know where I stand. I never know what to expect. I don't deserve that!" _

Remus looked away. He had said it; whatever happened now was up to Sirius. They stood in silence for a few minutes. Neither moved, neither spoke.

Remus felt Sirius's body shift but he did not look up.

"I didn't realise what I'd been doing, Moony. I've been so caught up in myself, I guess I... I took you for granted. I never meant to. I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't think I _was, but I was wrong. Please, give me one more..."_

He reached his hand up to Remus's cheek but Remus pulled away.

"Don't... _please,_" Remus implored. "I'll be here for you, Sirius, take all the time you need, but please don't touch me unless you can hold me. It hurts too much. Don't touch me, unless you love me." Remus turned and opened the door to the kitchen.

"Can I spend full moon with you?" Sirius pleaded from behind him.

Moony wanted Padfoot, the wolf was leaping joyfully inside Remus at the thought of being near his friend. He longed for Padfoot again after their separation.

"No!" Remus said again and closed the door behind him. He walked down the corridor and into his room. He threw himself onto the bed and lay there. He did not cry, he didn't think it was possible for him to cry at this stage. He was in shock. The wolf scrambled, tearing at his insides.

Would Sirius leave? Had his little outburst on the porch lost him the only man he had ever truly wanted?

Remus wanted to disappear he wanted the world to leave him alone. He lay on the bed for what seemed like hours. It was only when he noticed the light coming through the window begin to dim that he lifted himself off the bed and made his way to the trapdoor. He lifted the catch and slowly trudged downstairs.

His heart heavy with sadness he fell onto the wire cot in the corner of the room. He wanted Padfoot here with him. He wanted what he had denied Sirius. 

He wanted his mate.

***


	6. Chapter Five: Longing

Chapter Five: Longing

Padfoot woke up over the trapdoor in the master bedroom. He had knocked on Remus's door last night as it had gotten dark. Finding the room empty he had transformed and settled down on the floor, as close to Moony as he could get. 

Yesterday had come as a blow to Sirius. Moony had kept it all bottled up inside and when it had finally come out Sirius had been shocked. But it was all true. Sirius had treated Remus awfully. If he hadn't been so bloody selfish maybe he would have noticed, but it had all been about him. He had been so selfish he hadn't even noticed how much he was hurting Remus. Was that the way it had always been? It had taken them so long to get together in the first place, only to be ripped apart. Would it have happened sooner if Sirius wasn't so damned proud?

A gentle smile spread across his face as Sirius found himself remembering a long passed night in Hogwarts. It had been October of their seventh year; Lily and James were already engaged but had not yet made it official, preferring to tell their close friends first. They had all been delighted for them, but of course had teased them as well.

"I can't believe your taking him from us Lily," Remus had exclaimed feigning heart break "What will we ever do without our darling Prongs?" 

James had simply smiled and kissed Lily gently. He was usually not one for getting teased, especially by the Marauders.

"Ok, now I know she's definitely charmed you!" Peter had said and Sirius had pulled out his wand playfully pointing it at her.

"Out with it witch, tell me quick and I won't hex you too badly." He had jostled his wand back and forth but Lily simply laughed.

"It's no charm, Sirius." she smiled. "It's just love, you'll know soon enough if you'd finally open your eyes," She said simply. It had confused him at the time but as he remembered James giving Lily a questioning look and Remus blushing he supposed she knew more then she let on.

"Well since I'll be best man," Sirius said as James shot him a surprised look. "I'm gonna need to know who the bridesmaids are! Just to take care of them of course." He flashed Lily one of his famous smiles as she raised her eyebrows doubtfully.

His mind leapt forward a few nights and he found himself alone in the Marauders bedroom. It was already dark out and he had left Remus and Peter in the library hours ago, despondent from study only to find that Lily and James had snuck up to the Astronomy Tower. 

The common room had been loud and crowded as usual and he hadn't really felt like socializing so he was lying on his bed when Remus had slammed into the room, muttering loudly to himself.

"Can't just bloody leave me alone, can they?" he threw his book bag into his trunk "It all _Remus can we this, or __Remus would you that." He sighed dramatically pulling off his robes and throwing them onto his bed before starting to undo his tie. He was obviously getting undressed._

"Somebody upset you, Moony?" Sirius asked, looking over at the boy from his position on the bed.

Remus spun around startled. His hands still on his tie. His eyes searched for the voice's owner until they fell onto Sirius's bed.

"Sirius? I thought you were with James?"

"In the Astronomy Tower?!" Sirius raised his eyebrow suggestively.

"Again?!" Remus said surprised.

"They're like our own pair of pet rabbits" Sirius joked. 

"Hmph!" Remus exclaimed, uncharacteristically wound up. "I suppose they're _allowed; now they're getting married."_

Remus sat down onto his bed. His tie hanging loose around his neck. His chocolate hair was in a mess and was jutting out in all direction giving Sirius the impression of a wind swept seeker. Remus's cheeks were flushed from his little outburst and the burgundy tint was not subsiding as he sat on his bed. He seemed to be uncomfortable and Sirius realised that, almost subconsciously, he had been staring at Remus for at least a minute.

"So who annoyed you?" Sirius said, attempting to sound normal.

"The Miltons," Remus said frustrated.

"Which one?"

Remus threw his hands up in anonymous despair and Sirius let out a loud laugh. 

"It is not funny, Sirius Black," Remus said, annoyed at Sirius's cheeriness.

The Miltons were twin Hufflepuff girls who had both fancied Remus, separately or simultaneously, for the last two years. They could, very quickly, send Remus running for the Gryffindor common room with uncharacteristic speed and agitation. They were completely identical, down to the twin fairy harp strings that cored their wands. It seemed nothing Remus could do would throw them off.

"What did they want this time?" Sirius asked, trying to stop his laughter but a smirk still played on his lips.

"Yule Ball is coming up isn't it, they both asked me to go," he groaned. "I could hear them giggling in the library. I told Peter I was running for it but they caught me before I made it to the door."

"What did you tell them?"

"I said I would think about it!" Remus explained but his voice had the edge of a man who knew he had outright lied. Even as a teenager Remus hated lying in others, but mostly in himself.

"I could always pass on a letter, to one of the twins expressing an interest." Sirius had teased.

"Sirius Black you do anything of the sort and next full moon you will regret it." Remus warned his voice edged with seriousness.

"Ah but it is a long time until full moon, my friend. How would you stop me?"

"You think I couldn't!" Remus challenged.

Sirius smiled. Maybe at the full moon when the werewolf in Remus had taken control, Sirius could understand this statement. But now? The scars from Remus's last transformation still healing under his clothes and Madam Pomfrey was insisting that he took daily doses of chicken broth.

"I _know_ you couldn't take me!" Sirius stated.

Remus leapt from his bed and fell onto the edge of Sirius soft covers. He quickly threw his leg to the other side of Sirius, clamping his friend's hips tightly between his knees. He deftly grabbed the exposed wrist of his surprised friend, twisting them into submission.

"Now I've got you," Remus grinned. "You can't get away from me!" Sirius was surprised by Remus. He was usually so sedate but Sirius could not give in.

"Really!" Sirius challenged.

Sirius jerked his whole body to the left and they both careered off the bed and landed, rolling onto the carpeted floor. Remus scrambled to get up but Sirius caught him by the ankle and pulled him back to the floor. Remus squirmed and writhed, as Sirius climbed up his body, pinning the other boy under his weight. When Sirius reached Remus's arms he crossed them and held them above Remus's head with relative ease.

"Not as strong now. Are you Moony?" playfully teasing Remus as he had done on many other occasions.

Remus shot him daggers with his eyes.

"So which one is it to be, Erna or Emily?" Sirius contemplated not really asking Remus a question, just wanting to torture his friend.

Remus's body twisted under Sirius and he looked down into the wolf's eyes.

"Which one do _you_ like?" Remus asked almost accusingly. Sirius was taken back by the comment.

"I don't really like either of them," Sirius said wondering what Remus was playing at.

"Do you like any of them... the ones you date?"

"I don't have to like them, Moony! It's just a bit of fun. It's not like we're gonna fall in love," Sirius reasoned.

"What about James and Lily!?"

"James and Lily are different." Sirius sighed. "They're lucky; they found each other early on." Sirius looked back at Remus. 

There was something in his eyes, primitive and primal. They were darker and more serious then Sirius had even seen before. He knew he was looking into the depths of Remus's soul. It took his breath away.

"I could take you!" Remus warned. His breath was heavy and laboured under Sirius's chest. "Right now, if I wanted to!"

"Come on Moony," Sirius smiled, tightening his grip on Remus's arms. "You know you'll loose. You might as well stop now!"

Remus twisted again under Sirius body. He was trapped. His eyes cleared, became softer.

"Okay." Remus answered and Sirius could feel Remus's body relax under his, he could sense how soft his skin was. 

Moony did not want to play anymore.

"What!" Sirius asked, afraid the beating of his heart pressed against Remus's chest would give him away. Remus's eyes were even softer now and Sirius wondered how exactly Remus had this ability to morph his face so easily.

"I won't fight you anymore," Remus eyes were trained on Sirius. They watched each other, neither wanting to look away. "That is... if you don't want me to."

Without even noticing it, Sirius's hands were starting to move down Remus's arms. They dragged back the sleeves of his jumper, exposing the white of his arms to the room. With every moment, Sirius's mouth crept closer to Remus. His eyes on the others sated lips, wet with anticipation. Full and red and inviting, wanting to be kissed, waiting for Sirius to envelope him. Waiting to be loved!

Sirius panicked and pushed away from Remus. He found himself lying on his back beside him, looking up at the ceiling. What had just happened? Had he nearly kissed Remus? 

"I guess you win." Remus conceded, pushing himself into sitting position beside him. "I'll get you one day."

Sirius looked at Remus's back. His shoulders were slumped in defeat and his head lay tilted to one side. His shoulders raised and fell heavily as he tried to normalise his breathing.

"So who are you gonna take to the Ball?" Sirius broke the silence, hoping his voice sounded controlled and not as frantic as he felt. Remus turned and looked at his friend again. Sirius saw it in his eyes for the second time.

***

Sirius's head snapped up. Had he remembered correctly? Had Remus loved him even then? He saw it in his eyes and had been scared by it. Sirius never let anyone love him. If someone loved you, you owed them something. He would be friends, he would be loyal and entertaining, making people laugh was his speciality in those day, but love! And now he had ruined it. Remus lay on the cold concrete of the basement floor. He lay there alone because Sirius had hurt him. 

Sirius didn't know how he could prove to Remus how he felt. Words were no longer good enough; he knew that, but what! What would make Remus believe without a shadow of a doubt that Sirius cared for him above all else.

Sirius sighed; yesterday had started out so perfectly, well maybe not straight away. Sirius had lain in bed not wanting to get up. He couldn't face making another list only to find out that some of his oldest acquaintances, people he had trusted, had been servants of Voldemort. It was not until Sirius had heard the flutter of wings outside his door that he had finally raised himself out of the bed.

He had been greeted by Hedwig's noble face. She seemed to be a bit upset with him when he pulled the letter from her leg but brightened as he went to the kitchen and got her some food and water. 

Once Hedwig was happily munching in the kitchen, Sirius retired to the living room and opened Harry's letter. They had been exchanging letter quite regularly and Sirius liked to take the time to read Harry's answers. He sat comfortably into Remus's favourite chair.

_Dear Snuffles,_

_I never thought I'd actually enjoy doing my homework but I think I'm starting to understand why Hermione likes this stuff so much. Who knew that Kappa's feed themselves with cucumbers and blood, and use flying cucumbers for travel? Can you just imagine it, flying cucumbers!_

_Anyway it hasn't been so bad round here lately. I'm spending most of my time at The Willow (along with a neighbourhood of cats), so I haven't had to deal with the Dursleys as much as I thought, although I did hear that Dudley's first flying lesson was a bit of an adventure, it ended up that Uncle Vernon has cancelled the rest of the lessons, calling the instructor an amateur buffoon. I can't say I'm too surprised but I think Aunt Petunia is now so scared of flying that she can't even think about the family trip to Spain without going into frantic cleaning._

_No more news except to say that I'm making some dinner so I better go._

_Harry_

_P.S. Say hi to Professor Lupin._

_P.P.S. Mrs Figg says you must come visit soon. She seems to think you've forgotten her but insists that you mustn't make fun of the cats again! _

Sirius smiled, Harry did seem to be happier. The letter didn't hold the forced cheerfulness of earlier posts. The boy was actually able to enjoy his summer for once. It was only fair, Sirius thought. 

Sirius picked up the pen and parchment set aside for today's list and had written Harry a long letter. He had teased him for his academia but really his heart had swelled with pride. Lily and James had nothing to fear for the brightness of their son. Sirius was sure he would do well in his O.W.L.s.

When he had finished the letter Sirius returned to the kitchen and, collected Hedwig. She cooed agreeably at him and he laughed at how easily her earlier mood had dissipated. He always seemed to have a way with animals. He carried her to the back porch and attached the newly written letter to her leg. Then with a quick nod and an expansion of her wings, she flew easily up into the air and away from Sirius. He watched her until she was a dot on the horizon, winging her way back to her owner, then she was gone.

Sirius sat down on the porch, Harry's letter in his hand and had looked down at it. It was strange he thought how easily the boy had managed to keep going. Voldemort was on the rise and his followers would surely love to carry Harry back to their master as an offering even if his power was gone, and yet the fourteen year old was carrying on with his life as best as possible. Could Sirius do the same?

***

He had still been sitting there when Remus had returned for Hogwarts. Sirius had met his eyes and felt his heart swell for the second time that day. Sirius looked at him in his old robes, eyes worn from sleepless nights and the call of the full moon tonight. Remus, who had loved him for all those years. Remus, who waited for him now. His friend, his companion, his lover!

He had drunk in every look Remus had ever made over their years together and yet he was still surprised by how he felt when looking into those amber eyes. And Remus had surprised him again. Not with his actions but with his words. For the first time Remus had refused him. He had said 'No!' and now Sirius was left to wonder what to do. 

Sirius suddenly remembered something and jumped from his spot on the floor transforming at the same time. He pulled out Harry's letter and scanned it furiously until he found the line.

_I'm spending most of my time at The Willow._

The Willow! Sirius scanned the letter further.

_Mrs Figg says you must come visit soon._

Of course, Mrs Figg. Arabella Figg who he had stayed with himself that summer after seventh year! Who he had seen just at the beginning of the summer! Was he really that self-involved that he hadn't seen what was staring him in the face.

He could prove to Remus how he felt; he could prove that he loved him. Sirius almost jumped with delight. 

He couldn't wait to leave, he tried to stay until Remus had emerged from the cellar but he was taking so long and if Sirius left now it would be sooner that they could be together, all the sooner that he could hold Remus.

Sirius ripped a piece of parchment from the notebook in the study and inked a quill. 

_Moony,_

_I've gone to get proof._

_I LOVE YOU_

_Padfoot___

Sirius placed the note on the kitchen table and bounded out the door.

***


	7. Chapter Six: The Book

Chapter Six: The Book 

Harry closed his eyes and allowed his head to fall back. He could feel the warmth of the summer sun against his skin as it beat down upon the back garden of The Willow and he let himself enjoy it. His hair fell back from his forehead exposing the lighting scar he had gotten as a child, but for once, he did not cover it up straight away. 

He felt completely comfortable. He had brought his books outside when he noticed the crystal blue sky but they now lay abandoned in a half circle around him, a nearly finished assignment for _Care of Magical Creatures_ drying in the sun.

The summer hadn't turned out to be so bad after all. Even though he had to stay at the Dursleys' come night time, the day was filled with owls carrying news from Ron, Hermione and Sirius. He couldn't thank Mrs Figg enough for letting him come over, she had even said that if he was unable to visit The Burrow, Ron could come and stay with her. 

Ron hadn't been too happy when he had gotten the invitation, remembering that Harry had said the house smelled of cabbage and cats while they had been at the Quidditch World Cup the year before but he said he'd come if he had to. (_Once none of those bloody cats is anything like Crookshanks!_)

Hermione had been surprised but very pleased when Harry had sent her an owl asking about the 1472 trial of a deserter during the goblin rebellion for their _History of Magic_ essay and had been sending him any information she could research. Harry hadn't the heart to tell her that he had finished the assignment last week. She seemed to get so much joy out of doing the extra work.

Harry was jolted from his smile by a noise coming from in front of him. He opened his eyes expecting to see one of Mrs Figg's cats trying to get his attention but there was no one there.

As he reached for his wand he heard another noise. A rustle of leaves and branches coming form the hedge which surrounded The Willow's garden. He looked in the direction of the hedge and could just make out a pair of dark eyes.

"Dobby?" Harry asked feeling that familiar sense the house elf always brought with him but unsure of what would answer.

Harry gripped his wand tighter as a large figure emerged from the hedge. Its eyes were huge; it was covered in dark hair and from its mouth hung a big dripping tongue.

"Snuffles!" Harry exclaimed.

The dog bounded over to Harry and with its large paws pushed Harry to the ground, licking his face enthusiastically. 

"Urgh, stop it!" Harry protested. "You're making me all soggy."

Padfoot pulled back from Harry and transformed into a large grinning Sirius.

"How ya doing, Harry?" he asked.

"Great!" Harry answered. He looked around with caution on his face. "Is it safe for you to be here?"

"Yeah, mostly Muggles around here so I shouldn't have a problem. If one does recognise me I'll just turn into a dog... They'll never believe their eyes. Think they were seeing things." he smiled mischievously.

"So you just came to visit?" Harry asked, unsure of himself.

"Is that allowed?" Sirius countered.

"Yeah," Harry replied "I just... I didn't think I'd see you is' all, after you answered my letter so quickly but it's really good you're here."

Sirius looked down at his godson's books laid out on the grass.

"You're working hard!" 

"Yeah well, trying to get it done." Harry mumbled, a little embarrassed.

"Your Mum would be proud; she always did like to get her work done quickly." Sirius said.

Harry's heart leapt. He knew so little about his parents that he clung to all new information.

"Really?" he asked hearing himself sound overly enthusiastic.

"Definitely!" Sirius nodded. "Prongs on the other hand... he'd probably be trying to get you out for a quick game of Quidditch." Sirius smiled at the memory.

Harry tried to put the two images together. His mum bent over a table full of books, trying to get some work done, while his dad jostled her elbow, broom in hand. For some reason they morphed into Ron and Hermione in Harry's head and a smile filled his lips.

"Is Professor Figg inside?" Sirius interrupted Harry's mind and he found himself confused. Who was Professor Figg.

"Oh," Harry said, realising Sirius meant Mrs Figg. Had she taught at Hogwarts he wondered? "Yeah, she said she was going to make some tea."

Sirius got to his feet.

"Back in a minute, just need to have a quick chat." Sirius walked to the back door of The Willow. Harry watched as he disappeared inside and then turned back to his books, he supposed he could try and finish his _Care of Magical Creatures_ essay while Sirius talked to Mrs Figg.

He picked up the parchment and it was not long before he had lain back on the ground and was snoozing silently.

***

Harry's nap was disturbed when he felt a huge shadow move across his face, blocking out the sun's warm beams. He opened his eyes to see Sirius grinning down at him.

"Get much work done?" Sirius teased, falling to the ground beside Harry.

Harry sat up. He noticed Sirius putting a small notebook into the folds of his robe. Probably something to do with Voldemort Harry thought, not really wanting to ask.

"I must have fallen asleep." Harry explained, rubbing his eyes as they readjusted to the sun.

"Hmm," Sirius said an air of playfulness still in his voice. He picked up Harry's abandoned essay and started reading it. He got a couple of paragraphs through before asking "What is this, Harry?" a confused look on his face.

"It's for _Care of Magical Creatures_," Harry blushed. "We had to research the mating habits of a magical creature." 

Sirius recited the work.

"Not much was known about the mating habits of the werewolf until the publication of Wendy Bettendorf's manuscript _My Mate. This book, a collection of stories from many different werewolves, was the first insight into how a werewolf actually mates. Previous information had been collected under a fear of the creatures and was usually wrong. Mike Amadans' highly praised _Werewolves and their Wild Whimsies_ stated that a mating could only happen during the night of a full moon and that the mate of the wolf was usually a werewolf or another magical creature. This is now known to be completely untrue. The werewolf actually mates while in human form, in the week after the full moon, when the wolf is at its weakest. The mating involves a physical contest between the werewolf and the prospective mate in which the mate must eventually lose. In this way the mate becomes no threat to the werewolf at full moon and will not be attacked or harmed in any way. Once mated the two are bound to each other for life, a bond which can only be broken by death. The only known case of a werewolf killing a mate happened in 1771 and was carried out by Catherine Shark. After her mate, a normal wizard, had left her for a younger witch. Catherine went into severe depression, unable to break the bond she went into a frenzied attack and killed him a week before the full moon. (It is at this time that the wolf calls for its mate to comfort it). Once discovered that Catherine was a werewolf she was condemned to death and held in chains until the execution date. Bettendorf believes that this death was due to public fear of what Catherine was and did not take into account her mate's betrayal."_

Sirius stopped, his face full of concern.

"Is this true, Harry?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Harry surmised. "I mean, I got it all out of the book and Mrs Figg gave it to me so I guess it's as true as it can be." 

"Did she now!" Sirius smiled, still looking at the parchment and reading further.

Harry felt himself get a little bit embarrassed. He hadn't expected Sirius to examine his work and he began to feel self conscious. It wasn't written half well.

"It's really interesting actually, so much of what was written in the past was just lies but now we can actually find out the truth... It must be helpful for Professor Lupin... I mean, things are becoming more acceptable for him and all." Harry stopped, knowing he sounded a bit too much like Hermione.

"I hope so, Harry." Sirius put the essay down and Harry could fell himself relax. He didn't have to worry about Sirius teasing him too much.

"You like Professor Lupin, don't you Harry?" Sirius asked from out of nowhere. Harry tried to see where the question had come from but Sirius's face was strangely unreadable.

"Yeah," Harry said easily. "He was the best _Defence Against the Dark Arts _teacher I ever had." His shoulder twanging slightly as he thought about Mad-Eye Moody.

"You know I'm staying with him at the moment?"

"I thought so, yes." Harry nodded. Sirius seemed to think about something for a moment.

"Once we get everything cleared up and you can come stay with me..." Sirius pulled at the grass by his feet. Harry felt his heart lift at the thought. "Well how would you feel about staying at Lupin Lodge?" Sirius looked up from the grass and met Harry's eyes.

Harry wasn't sure what to say. As far as he was concerned, anywhere away from Privet Drive was fine by him and if he was with Sirius then all the better. Professor Lupin had been friends with his parents as well. But there was something else in Sirius's eyes. Was it something he wanted to tell Harry?

"Did you and Professor Lupin have a fight?" Harry asked concerned.

Sirius smiled lightly and looked away.

"No not yet!"

Harry followed Sirius eyes and they fell onto his _Care of Magical Creatures _essay. It took Harry a moment to realise what Sirius was saying. Did Sirius mean... Did he want to mate with Professor Lupin!? No it couldn't be true; he had seemed so surprised when he had read the essay. Surely if he... _loved... Lupin, he would know all about it. Wouldn't he? But then so much of it had been wrong, many werewolves themselves didn't know how to mate. Maybe Lupin didn't know._

Harry watched Sirius, sunlight dancing again his black hair. He seemed younger now. Unsure of himself.

"Will you be staying with Professor Lupin?" Harry asked evenly. Not knowing how else to word it. "I mean... would we all be staying together?"

Sirius looked up, his eyes full of uncertainty.

"If that's okay with you," he answered. "I wanted to ask you first, before... before I talked to Remus."

Harry looked at Sirius for the longest time. Was he asking his permission? Did he want Harry's blessing before he mated? Was the godfather asking the godson for acceptance? 

Harry looked into the eyes of the only family he really had. He thought about how happy he had been when Sirius asked him to live with him. He thought about how much Sirius had risked last year by coming back to England, how much he risked now! Could Harry really deny this man anything he truly wanted? If Lupin would make him happy then that was what he should have. It would take Harry time to get used to it; even now he wasn't one hundred per cent sure about how he would feel but how could he deny Sirius the only thing he had ever asked of him. 

"It's okay with me, Sirius." Harry said finally. "If it's what you want."

Sirius finally looked up into his godson's eyes. They were filled with such relief that Harry wondered what would have happened if he had said no. Would Sirius have abandoned him for Lupin? Or worse would he have left the man he loved.

Harry felt himself jump slightly. Did Sirius _love Professor Lupin? _

"You okay Harry?" Sirius asked, breaking Harry away from his train of thought. 

Harry looked away from the kitten he had been watching and looked into his godfather's face.

"Yeah I'm fine." Harry said, and he was surprised to realise that he was telling the truth.

***

It was strange; Harry thought to be sitting having a meal with his godfather. In the two years since he had found out who exactly Sirius Black was, they had hardly been able to be in the same room for any amount of time and now they were sitting down in the large kitchen of The Willow. Mrs Figg was putting the finishing touches on an early dinner which was bubbling away on the fire and Harry and Sirius were playing Exploding Snap.

"Oi, that's cheating," Harry cried as Sirius thumbed through his remaining cards.

"I'm just giving myself an advantage." Sirius said smiling. "You're beating me too easily." 

"Now, now Black, give the boy a chance." Mrs Figg counselled, lowering a huge pot onto the table. With a flick of her wand she cleared the table and set three places. 

Harry noticed Sirius looking up at the Muggle clock on the wall. His face concerned.

"If you need to go it's okay." Harry offered, trying not to look disappointed. Sirius turned to his godson.

"And miss our first dinner together!" Sirius smiled easily. "So has he been behaving himself, Professor Figg?" Sirius asked the older lady.

"No more then you used to, Black" she answered with playful sternness. She obviously had a soft spot for the man. "Honestly, you'd think after the amount of times I had to give you detention, you would have thought to straighten yourself out!"

Sirius laughed at his old teacher still reprimanding him. 

"I don't know how you managed to pass your exams!" she said dishing out a bowl of lamb stew and placing it in front of him. "I'm sure to this day you managed to sneak in your own quill."

"I'm totally offended by that," Sirius mocked insult. "I must have studied for hours for my N.E.W.T.s." Mrs Figg gave him a disbelieving look.

"What did you teach, Mrs Figg?" Harry asked as she placed another bowl in front of him. It smelled delicious he thought, deciding that he had to learn to cook for himself.

"Defence against the Dark Arts," she replied. "I must have been the longest serving in the history of the school, five years altogether, although I think half of that was spent dealing with this little pup." She said, indicating Sirius.

Sirius's smile widened, proud of the rebel label he had acquired as a youth, was still intact.

"Don't you believe a word of that, Harry." Sirius countered. "I almost made Head Boy."

"Only because you and Remus charmed the ballot papers!" she argued.

"Yeah well," he said, quieter now. "James deserved it more then us anyway."

Harry was a bit startled by this exchange. He had supposed Sirius had been boisterous while at Hogwarts but had never really thought about it too much. This, it seemed, was only the tip of the iceberg.

Mrs Figg placed her own bowl on the table and banished the cauldron back to the fireplace. She sat down and seemed to calm herself quiet easily. After taking a spoonful of stew, she laid her hand gently on Sirius's arm.

"Now tell me Sirius, how is Remus? Was the full moon okay for him?"

This caught Harry's attention. Mrs Figg knew Professor Lupin was a werewolf! Then again, maybe all the teachers at the time had known. Sirius caught Harry's eye before answering. Was he checking Harry's reaction to the inquiry?

"He's... fine," Sirius said. "Snape is still making him the Wolfsbane potion but it tires him out and travelling to Hogwarts every day for a week – well – it doesn't help. If it wasn't so dangerous I'd do it myself!"

"Oh dear," Mrs Figg said, a motherly tone in her voice. "It's a very difficult potion. Severus Snape has a rare gift in being able to brew it correctly. Do not torment yourself; just be thankful for its existence."

Sirius smiled but Harry noticed that it died on his lips. His eyes were filled with pain and anguish. Harry remembered seeing Professor Lupin transform without the potion when he was in his third year. He remembered the snapping of his long jaws, the snarling. He remembered Sirius locked jaw to jaw with him, claws ripping at each other. Was this the man that Sirius loved? Was that what he wanted to mate with? Harry shivered despite the steaming stew.

But that was no more Professor Lupin, then Sirius Black was a murderer, Harry reasoned. He thought about the _real Professor Lupin who he had met on the Hogwarts Express. The Professor Lupin who had given him chocolate after the Dementors came on board, that had brought Boggart's to class, the Professor Lupin who had taught him the spell which ended up not just saving Harry's life but Sirius's and Hermione's as well. The man who hadn't lied even when being exposed as a werewolf, the man who had been one of his parents' closest friends._

Harry could feel a smile start to grow on his face. If everything worked out he would be living with the two people who had been closest to his parents. The two people they had trusted above all others. Harry felt a little warm spot in the pit of his stomach that couldn't be explained by Mrs Figg's lamb stew. 

"Is everything alright, dear?" Mrs Figg asked him gently. "Do you not like the stew?"

Harry looked up into her caring eyes, then at the concern in the eyes of the man opposite him. He realised for the first time how happy he felt to be there.

"It's perfect," he said. "Everything is perfect!" a huge smile spread across his face and he thought that his feelings must have been infectious for soon the three sat at the table were laughing and joking. All pain had been forgotten, all torment gone.

For that one moment in time, everything was perfect.

***

Author's note: I like the way this chapter ended but will it _all_ end perfectly! You'll have to wait and see. Thanks to everyone for your reviews especially Marauder, who keeps me updated chapter by chapter. I feel so loved!

***


	8. Chapter Seven: Correspondence

Chapter Seven: Correspondence 

Remus watched from the porch of Lupin Lodge as the sun began to set on another day. There had always been a sense of magic in the setting of the sun for Remus and as he watched it now it seemed to take on even greater importance. He had hoped that Sirius would have returned by now. It was two whole days since the full moon and there had been no word from the dog. Remus slowly sipped at the hot mug of broth in his hands, clinging to its warmth. It seemed all he ever did lately was wait for Sirius. He didn't even know if Sirius was really returning. His letter had been so short, a note really, but he had said... no, he had written the words Remus wanted to believe.

The full moon had been hard this month. Moony had expected Padfoot to be there. He could smell him so close but had been unable to reach him, half poisoned by the Wolfsbane potion. He had hungered for his friend, growling in the depths of the Lodge's stone basement but no call was answered. Moony's head had been overflowing with ferocious longing, a need to be placated, but he had been unable to fill the desire.

Remus felt a chill run down his spine. He pulled his robes tighter around himself, not wanting to abandon his watch-post just yet. He wanted to be waiting for Sirius's return. If he cared this much, why had he turned Sirius away? He had so wanted to feel him close, to touch him, but he had said No!

A bitter wind blew through Remus's robes and he shivered for a second time. He had to go back inside; it was so dark now that he could barely see the end of the garden. He turned around and put his hand on the back door to Lupin Lodge. As the door yielded to his touch, he took one last hopeful look behind him, and then went into the kitchen, disappointed.

Remus placed the half finished broth onto the table. Usually he would wash it in the sink straight away but today didn't feel like a day for practicalities. His mind fell back to the note in his pocket. He reached his hand down and with a saddened expression took it out of his pocket. He had looked at it countless times in the last forty eight hours but, for some reason, always hoped to see more on each new examination. 

He opened the message and stared at it once again.

_Moony,_

_I've gone to get proof._

_I LOVE YOU_

_Padfoot_

To most it would seem a simple note, but what did Sirius mean by 'proof'. Remus frowned.

"You're going to drive yourself insane if you keep this up." He said aloud, tactfully ignoring the fact that he was talking to himself. Remus folded the parchment tightly in his hand and walked down the long hallway to his study. 

The musty smell of books comforted his senses when he walked in, he impulsively breathed in deeply. The aroma played on his nostrils as he walked over to the battered writing desk which sat snugly under the window. He opened the left hand drawer and placed the note inside. It was taking up residence with many other letters that had been received at the Lodge over the years; more recently was post from Harry to Sirius. Each one had been greeted with much anticipation on the part of Sirius, watched with great pleasure by the wolf. 

Remus noticed the letter Dumbledore had sent him earlier that summer, informing him in sombre tones what had happened, telling him Sirius was returning to him. He realised now, he had read that letter repeatedly as well. Unsure of what it meant. How it would change his life.

One other letter peeked out from beneath the rest, Remus's eyes fell on it and he pulled it out of the drawer.

The envelope was made of yellowing parchment and the address was written in emerald ink. There was no stamp. Remus turned the envelope over, and recognised a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms; a lion, an eagle, a badger and a snake surrounding a large letter 'H'. Remus sighed, he remembered the day he had received the letter. He had been worried but also... well, excited. If only for a short time, he was wanted somewhere.

Remus sat down into the chair by the writing desk and pulled back the lip of the envelope. He easily removed the letter from its pouch and opened it to see neat, opulent cursive. This was the letter which had started it all. The one that set in motion a chain of events that would change his life forever.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore

(Order of Merlin, first Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,   
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

_Dear Remus,_

_I trust this letter has found you well and rested after the recent full moon. Unfortunately I bring you some news that may be distressing. _

_It has been brought to my attention that Sirius Black is missing from Azkaban. According to Cornelius Fudge, he is on his way to Hogwarts to find Harry. I would be surprised, considering the time Sirius has spend in Azkaban and the effects the Dementors have been known to inflict, if his mind could be so purposeful. I am sure there is no need to be alarmed. _

_Nevertheless I would be more comfortable if you were to return to Hogwarts for your own protection and I am extremely delighted to offer you the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. As you may have heard the last appointment, Gilderoy Lockhart, has been secluded to St. Mungos' after attempting to perform a memory charm with a faulty wand. We miss him dearly, but, as I was only telling Minerva last week, we must find a way to carry on without his guidance and experience!_

_You need not worry about your personal needs as Severus has agreed to tend to them each month. I would ask that you arrive at Hogwarts as soon as you have made arrangements for the upkeep of Lupin Lodge, otherwise I shall reserve you a place on the Hogwarts Express._

_I have taken the presumptuous liberty of putting your first month's salary into your Gringotts' vault should you have any further expenses. I look forward to hearing your reply, Professor Lupin!_

_Yours_

_Albus Dumbledore_

Remus remembered reading the letter for the first time and feeling a mixture of emotions. Dumbledore had always tried to keep in touch with Remus. Even when he had been hiding from the rest of the world, his old headmaster had always been able to find him. And now Sirius was free! Remus didn't really know what it meant to him. Sirius wouldn't go after Harry! There was no point, Voldemort was no more and Harry was only a boy. But then what was it he had heard... had it been in Harry's first year? A follower of Voldemort had tried to steal the Philosopher's Stone... But Sirius was not a Death Eater, he just couldn't be. Remus had known Sirius... had loved him. Remus could almost convince himself... except Sirius _had_ been Lily and James's Secret Keeper. He _had_ killed all those Muggles... and Peter, poor Peter. He had destroyed him.

As Remus thought about it now, he could feel a tear falling down his cheek. _It wasn't fair_, all the lies, all the wasted time. Twelve years of loneliness, and now when they could be together he was sitting on his own thinking about the past. Remus realised with a fury how much he hated the past, how he despised it with every fibre of his body. It had taken everything from him. It had taken his family and now it was taking his mind. He tried to let it go but he couldn't. It clung to him like a putrid stench and he was drowning in it.

Remus bolted up with rage and violently pulled the drawer out of the desk. Letters scattered to the floor. Words of rejection from jobs. Words telling him he was not wanted. Letters from family, disowning him. He had kept every single one; every one had gathered in his drawer and seethed with loathing at what he was.

He picked up a handful and ripped them between his fingers, shredding ever word, destroying their judgment. He slashed through years of rejection. Pulled apart denials and hacked all the way through prejudice. He had taken it for years, he had been afraid of what he was and where had it gotten him!

His hands were filled with more parchment. His fingers burned with rage. He could feel it rising up like acid his throat. Furiously dancing on his tongue. He ripped through more letters, destroying them completely but he wasn't satisfied. He started pulling at the shelves, hurling books and documents across the room with intense energy. They crashed onto the floor, against the wall, into the fireplace. '_The Magician's Nephew' somersaulted over the back of the chair, cracked its spine on the edge and fell limp to the ground. '_Magical Beasts and How to Seduce Them'_ smashed into the desk, toppling a jar of ink onto its pages and sobbed into the wood. '_One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi'_ narrowly escaped the fireplace only to crash into the large mirror above it, splintering shards into its cover._

Remus pulled and smashed, crashed and banged. He had destroyed half of the study in his frantic rage before he fell, gasping, to the ground. His chest lifted heavily and his body shook. He began to shudder as he could feel the emotions flood out of him. As he tried to control his breathing, the anger and rage dissipated and he was left empty. He looked around him. He looked at what he had done. His body couldn't even hold himself up anymore and he dropped to the floor. He laid there in the remains of his study. He lay there with what had been his life and he wept.

It had meant nothing. He had believed in it, forced himself to believe in it and it meant nothing. Books in place of people. Stories in place of friends. Words in place of kisses.

He clung to the floor. He grasped it tightly with his body and he allowed himself to cry. Weeping for Lily and James, for Harry and Sirius. He even wept for Peter. But for the first time he cried for Remus. He mourned the life he had lost. The darkness he had lived in. He allowed himself to feel real emotions for the first time in his life. He did not fear them or cover them up. He found a release in them that he hadn't even realised he had been looking for.

On the floor of his ramshackled study, Remus allowed himself to grieve.

***

Remus's eyes blinked open. As his vision cleared he realised he was in his own bed. The sunlight coming in the window betrayed itself to be afternoon and Remus was surprised when he looked at his self-turning calendar to see that he had slept for a whole day. _How did I make it to bed? He thought. __Had Sirius come home? _

Remus tried to move but the groaning of his muscles made him realised his body was aching from head to toe. He was only in his mid-thirties but the exhausting transformations every month had taken their toll on his body. It was taking him longer to recover as he got older. Some days he was so exhausted he could hardly grasp his wand. 

Remus tentatively lifted his legs from the bed and placed them gently onto the floor. Picking up the blackthorn cane he kept by his bed for such occasions, he lifted himself up and shuffled to the bathroom. He picked up a large glass bottle from the medi-aide box and made his way back to the bed.

When he had settled on the bed again, he opened the bottled and instinctively sniffed its contents. His nose crinkled and he pulled his head away. _Why did I do that?_ He demanded, rubbing his stinging eyes. He carefully poured a small amount of the clear white fluid onto his hands, being careful not to spill any onto the bed. He then began massaging his hands against the muscles in his left leg. _Give it a minute, he told himself. __Give it a chance to work. He had discovered the liquid while organizing leprechaun relations for the Irish Ministry. It was actually a drink, called Potín, which was brewed illegally by Irish Muggles as a cheap alternative to store bought alcohol. However, it was well known as a medicinal aide for anyone with stiff joints. The reason it was illegal, Remus had found out, was because it was so strong it was practically pure alcohol. The first time Remus used it, he had unintentionally drunk a whole glass instead of rubbing it into his muscles. It had left him with a three day hangover. _

Remus felt a tingling start to work its way up his limb followed by a warm glow. The alcohol stretched its hands over his thigh and it became easier to move his knee. _Ok_, Remus conceded. T_here were _some_ advantages to being a werewolf_.

***

Once Remus had finished applying the Potín to the rest of his body, he threw his robe around his shoulders and padded to the kitchen. Usually he had a shower once the liquid had been absorbed into his skin and done its work, but he was absolutely famished. He hadn't eaten for two days, he reminded himself, and he needed something or he would starve.

He quickly got some sausages frying and summoned bread from the cupboard. In no time he was wolfing down the food hungrily. He felt for the first time that he actually tasted the food. He had let go of everything that he thought held him to his life. And in letting it all go he was able to find himself. He sat at the kitchen table thinking about everything that had happened in his life. He thought about getting bitten, that first full moon when his body had split itself apart and the werewolf had taken over. He thought about the years of loneliness before his first year in Hogwarts, when he had found the Marauders. Then... he thought about how he had lost them all.

As he reflected on all of this he noticed something about himself. He realised how positive he actually felt. He had allowed himself to be controlled by the past for so long, that now it was gone, he felt his life had actually changed. The past wasn't important anymore; he wasn't going to let it dictate his life. 

Realising he really did need to wash; he got up from the table and walked down the hallway. The water hit his skin and he felt the warm stream wash over him. He ran hands over his body, washing away the smell, feeling the relief of the water massage his skin. It pelted down on him, dimpling his skin. He turned his back to the water and it caressed him further. Arching his head back the water dampened his chocolate locks, they darkened to a burned coffee. His hands ran over the scars on his chest and down his legs. They washed the aged bite mark on his neck, without flinching at the memory of receiving it. He closed his eyes and allowed himself the pleasure. It had been a long time since he had felt so relieved from pain. He stood in the shower, his mind filled with the sound of the water, his eyes closed as it ran over his face and down his body. He didn't hear the noise of the back door as it scratched over the kitchen floor. He didn't see the confusion as blue eyes looked over the state of the study. He thought he was alone in the Lodge, as he had gotten used to it, until he heard at knock on the bathroom door.

Remus's head twisted in surprise. He turned off the shower and wiped the water from his face. Pulling a towel around his waist, he opened the bathroom door. He saw Sirius for the first time in four days. His eyes were tired and his face slightly pale. He was looking into the study, his face contorted into a bewildered expression.

"What happened?" Sirius asked turning to look at Remus. Remus looked into the study. It _really_ was a mess.

"I got kinda..." _mad, angry, pissed off_. "...annoyed!" Remus said. The confusion didn't leave Sirius face as he moved into the room and started to clean it.

"Don't," Remus ordered. "I don't need them."

"But they're your _books_..."

"Leave it!" Remus commanded, he didn't want Sirius to clean it. He didn't care. "You've been gone a while" Remus said, not moving from the bathroom door. Sirius reluctantly abandoned the chaos and walked back towards his friend. Remus did not flinch as he had before but he wasn't allowing Sirius to lay his hands on him either.

"I went to see Harry, he was at The Willow." Sirius said putting his hand inside his robe. "I wanted to get something." He pulled out the book he had collected from Arabella Figg and offered it to Remus. "I wanted you to have this."

Remus looked at the book but made no move to take it. He looked at Sirius's hands. Sirius was offering the one thing Remus had always taken gladly. The one thing Remus had always believed. A book. The cover was battered well-worn leather. It looked like it had been misused, abused and abandoned. Remus raised his gaze to meet Sirius's intense eyes.

"What is it?" Remus said coolly. Sirius's eyes faltered slightly at the question.

"It's..." Sirius blushed faintly. "It's my diary."

Remus's eyes wavered but he didn't say anything. 

"I've written in it since I was a kid..." Sirius explained. "I never let anyone know about it cause... well _Sirius Black couldn't have a diary. I had a reputation to keep." He smiled sadly at the joke. Remus eyes were still on Sirius but he hadn't moved._

"Don't you... don't you want it?" Sirius questioned, edging the book closer to Remus's hand. Remus sighed slightly.

"What difference will it make?" Remus asked. "You come to me with something you wrote twenty years ago and expect me to believe that you still feel the same." Remus said incredulously. "Things change Sirius. What's written in there," he pointed towards the book. "It means nothing now."

"But it does." Sirius implored. "My whole life is in here. I wrote about you, about how I felt."

"Did you write about Peter as well?" Remus countered. "Do you feel the same way about him?"

"Don't – mention - _his_ name!" Sirius said through clenched teeth. Eyes filled with loathing. Remus looked into those eyes. Those eyes! Couldn't he understand?

"You can't even see what you're doing." Remus said exasperated. "You get so filled with anger and hate; you go off on some stupid hunt. You put yourself into Azkaban because you couldn't let things go. Your emotions take control and you can't think. _You_ went after Peter, _you_ fell right into his trap and you were so blinded by rage that you didn't even notice... Didn't you ever _think_ about it Sirius, I know I have. For years I thought about that night, and I could never understand why, if you were guilty, did you go after Peter!... Lily was dead! James was dead! Voldemort was destroyed! What threat did he really hold? Why didn't you come after me first? Surely the wolf held more of a danger then the rat?"

"I would never hurt you, Moony." Sirius assured.

"That's little comfort now, Sirius." Remus exhaled, trying to hold himself together. "When I found out you were innocent, it all fitted together. Peter had betrayed _you!_"

Sirius tried to protest but Remus held his hand up to stop him.

"Yes, he betrayed Lily and James." Remus conceded. "But _you were the one who switched with him, __you were the one who trusted him and he betrayed that! You got it into your head that you were the only one who could find him, punish him and by doing that you condemned yourself. You put yourself into Azkaban because you got caught up in your rage. I hated you for that." Remus fought back tears. He took a deep breath of air. _

"I came for you. The first thing I wanted to do after getting out of Azkaban was to see _you_!" Sirius defended.

"You went after Peter, Sirius." Remus almost shouted. "Even after twelve years you couldn't let it go. You went after _him, and by some chance, happy or otherwise, I happened to be at Hogwarts! Killed two birds with one stone didn't you. Maybe if I hadn't changed that night, maybe if Peter hadn't of gotten away, things would be different but I can't think like that anymore. You were always one for grand gestures... Sirius Black – Magician extraordinaire – prankster – Marauder. I didn't care about any of it then... and now... I need more then that. Books won't do it, Sirius." Remus looked bewildered. "I don't know what will."_

Remus stopped talking. Sirius looked completely shocked. 

Remus realised that he was still standing with just a towel around his waist, hair dripping onto his shoulders. Usually he would never leave his body so exposed, even if it was only Sirius.

"I better get dressed." He said and closed the bathroom door on Sirius, leaving him alone in the hallway.

***


	9. Chapter Eight: Constance

Chapter Eight: Constance 

Sirius lay on the bed in the small bedroom. It was strange, he thought, to call this the _small_ bedroom, it was bigger then the cell he had been confined to in Azkaban. And even though it was sparse it held more comfort then he had experienced for twelve years. Through the window the last streams of dusk were starting to fade, leaving Sirius alone in the dark. The light blanket wrapped around his body and he curled himself under it. Remus was different, Sirius thought... no not different just... unblocked. Everything he said today had made sense. Sirius had never seen it before. 

_That's a lie_, he thought. He had seen it but he had chosen to ignore it. Given himself excuses for the way he acted. But he was a grown man now, he had to act like it or he'd be alone again. Actually he didn't mind being alone, he just didn't want to be without Remus. All he had wanted since getting out of Azkaban was to see Remus.

_STOP LYING TO YOURSELF_, he screamed in his head. He had wanted Peter, to kill Peter. Remus knew that. How did it make him feel to be second on his list... no third. There was Harry to think of.

Sirius turned in the bed. He couldn't sleep; his mind was too active, too full of the past and what Remus had said. He tried closing his eyes and forcing sleep into them but a million thoughts danced under his eyelids and eventually he gave up the façade and sat himself up in the bed. He needed to talk to someone without saying the words.

He lit a candle and picked up his diary from the locker. He flicked open the first page of the book. The worn parchment stared back at him. He hadn't written in the book since 1978 he thought. He had stayed at Professor Figg's for a few months after leaving school. When he had gotten a job and a place with Remus he had left some things behind in the move. Always meaning to collect them again but it had never happened.

_Should I_? he thought. He felt a little silly, like he was a school boy again. Finally he picked up a quill from the bedside locker. He thought for a moment about what to say then finally he simply wrote...

'Hello Constance.'

Sirius watched as the words slowly sank into the page and after a moment the ink started to re-emerge and web its way across the page.

_'Oh hello dear, how are you today?'_

'I'm... I guess I'm okay.'

_'Oh no, that doesn't sound like a good 'okay'.'_

'It's not.'

_'Do you want to tell me what happened?'_

'I can't sleep, there is so much going on in my head. I'm not sure where to start.'

_'How about at the beginning?'___

'Well, I kinda had a fight with Remus. It was pretty bad. He won't listen to me. He won't believe what I'm trying to tell him.'

_'Why?'_

'So much has changed, Constance. I don't think I know how to change with it. I feel like I've been left behind and everything is different. I feel so much younger than I should.'

_'You shouldn't try to grow up so fast, Sirius, you're only eighteen. Enjoy yourself.'_

'That's just it, Constance... I'm thirty-four.'

_'THIRTY-FOUR!__ Did something happen? Why did you not write for so long?'_

'A lot has happened, so much that I have trouble remembering sometimes and now I'm staying with Remus. He had been so good but I can't explain how I'm feeling right now. I'm not sure I can even put it into words... not properly.'

_'You love him, Sirius!'_

'I know! He is the only person I think I have _ever really loved but I can't even make him believe how I feel. All I want is to be able to hold him in my arms and not be afraid. I tried to get him to read this but he wouldn't. He said that he can't believe something I wrote twenty years ago but I loved him then and I still do. I know he loves me, I'm sure of it, but it's difficult for him.'_

_'Because he's a werewolf?'___

'I guess that's part of it, and well I guess he has changed. It can't have been easy for him but all I want to do now is take care of him. I could feel Moony calling for me the last full moon but Remus wouldn't let me near. I can feel the pain he is in, Constance, and he won't let me help.'

_'Maybe Lily could talk to him; they always get on well don't they?'_

'Oh Constance... Lily is dead!

_'Dead?'___

'James too, and P... Peter was working for Voldemort. He betrayed us.'

_'Oh my, a lot really has happened.'_

Sirius wrote everything into his diary as he had done for years of his life. He told Constance about Lily and James getting married, about Harry being born and him being made Godfather. (_I bet you make a great Godfather, dear). He told her how Voldemort had been after them and they had used the Fidelius Charm and finally he told her about Peter's betrayal._

'There's something else.'

_'Yes?'_

'I haven't written in so long because when I found out what happened, when I seen what Voldemort had done to Godric's Hollow, that he had tried to kill Harry. I wanted to punish Peter. I went looking for him. I was so angry, so upset. When I found him... I tried to kill him.'

_'You didn't! Oh that temper of yours.'_

'I thought I had done it and I was so happy I just laughed. When the Ministry turned up they wouldn't listen to me, I guess I looked like a madman at the time and I had no one to back up my story. The only people who knew Peter and I had switched were dead. I was sent to Azkaban. Peter said I had betrayed Lily and James but I never did... I would never...'

A tear fell from Sirius eye onto the diary parchment.

_'That's it dear, you cry as much as you need to.'_

'I don't _need_ to cry Constance! That doesn't make anything easier. It doesn't stop how I am feeling. I cried the first week I was here and it hasn't helped.'

_'Why hasn't it helped?'_

'Remus won't come near me!'

_'Because you cried?'___

'No, because I couldn't tell him I loved him... not properly, not so he believed me.'

_'Why not?'___

'I... You know why.'

_'Tell me.'_

'Don't... make me spell it out.'

_'Tell me!'_

'You _know_, Constance!'

_'You have to write it down, you have to say it!'_

'I can't.'

_'Sirius, you have to!'_

'Not now, I had to live through it everyday for in Azkaban. Everyday they made me remember. Everyday I could feel those hands on me, don't make me feel it again.'

_'Have you told Remus?'_

'NO!'

_'Will you?'_

'He'd hate me.'

_'No he won't.'_

'HOW WOULD _YOU_ KNOW!'

_'Don't treat me like that; I'm only trying to help.'_

'Sorry... I wanted him to read this; I went to Professor Figg's to get it. Harry is staying with her during the day. I thought you could explain it all to Remus. He'd understand you.'

_'But I'm not you... Do you think he'd even listen to me?'_

'I thought he would... he loves books. That was always his thing. In school he always had his nose stuck in one book or another. It was a running joke with the Marauders. He even taught at Hogwarts last year but today... I found the study completely trashed. I don't know why.'

_'You should talk to him about it... about everything!'_

'I know I should... I want to. There is so much I still have to learn. I'm afraid I'll never get my life back... or any life. I don't know if I can ever be _happy_. I can't prove it to Remus if I don't believe it myself!' 

_'Will you talk to him?'_

'Maybe, but not today; it's dark already and after the argument earlier... we both need time to calm down.'

_'Was it a bad row?'_

'I think Remus needed to say a few things... I think I needed to hear them. I've been so caught up in what I've been feeling I never thought Remus would be having a hard time as well. Was I always so ignorant?'

_'Well you know what I say, dear!'_

'Yes, if I need to ask the question, I already know the answer... I'll talk to him soon.'

_'Will you write again and tell me what happens?'_

'I forgot how nosy you were!'

_'Not nosy, just... concerned. Will you write?'_

'Yes, I promise.'

_'Thirty four... I remember thinking you'd be happily married by now.'_

'I'm trying for the happily!'

_'I know you are dear.'_

'I'm so tired after the last four days. I better go to sleep, it's late.'

_'Okay dear, good night.'_

'Night... and Constance...'

_'Yes?'_

'I missed you.'

_'Thank you Sirius, sweet dreams.'_

'I'll try.'

Sirius closed the diary and laid it back on the locker. He felt strangely younger after writing in it. He supposed it was because he had been only a teenager the last time he had seen those pages. He had written to Constance nearly everyday for ten years. Out of everyone in his life she had probably known it all. In a way, he thought, she was like a mother to him.

He leaned forward and blew out the candle beside his bed. As the room fell into darkness Sirius closed his eyes and fell asleep.

***

When the smell of freshly baked bread and frying bacon filled the room the next morning Sirius's eyes blearily opened. He lay in the bed for a moment enjoying the comfort, then a sudden thought hit him. Should he ask Remus about mating? Would that be too... forward? He didn't know how Remus would react to anything now.

Sirius shook his head. This was still Remus. His Remus. He just didn't know it yet. 

Sirius threw his legs over the side of the bed and pulled on his robe. He didn't bother putting on any shoes before walking out to the hallway.

As he entered the kitchen he thought how perfect the room was suited to breakfast time. The room had two large windows and through one the morning sun spilled onto the kitchen surfaces, giving the whole room that air of magic which seemed to suit the time of day. Every time Sirius saw the sunshine now he realised how many different types there were, in Azkaban he never saw the sun, even if it was right in front of his eyes.

Remus was sitting at the table and the sun caught the honey gold in his chocolate hair, making it shimmer in the brilliant light. Sirius looked at Remus sitting there, slowly lifting a cup to his lips. He had always been so sensitive about his hair, nervous that the grey after each full moon was more noticeable but Sirius had always reassured him. It was amazing, Sirius thought, how easily he could get lost just looking at Remus. Taking in every feature as if for the first time, never tiring of the man, no matter how much time they spent together. Even now he couldn't rein back his affection when most people would expect him to be, withdrawn or placated. 

Remus looked up at Sirius, who was still standing in the kitchen doorway.

"There's some bacon left if you're hungry." Remus said no air of anger or forgiveness. In fact the statement seemed to be completely neutral as far as Sirius could tell.

"Thanks." Sirius answered before putting the remaining food onto his plate and sitting at the table opposite Remus. He poured coffee into his cup and took a sip. His eyes were watching Remus over the rim. Remus, who was skimming today's _Daily Prophet_. Sirius put the mug back down.

"Remus?" Sirius asked as neutral as he could possibly sound.

"Mmmm huh?" Remus answered not looking up.

"Why didn't you tell me about the mating?" Sirius questioned.

"What?" Remus asked in a half interested tone and not leaving the paper.

"Werewolf mating! Why didn't you tell me?"

"You know werewolves mate for life, Sirius."

"Yes, but you never told me how."

"I'm sure I did." Remus answered absently.

"You could never lie well, Remus." Sirius teased his friend. Remus finally put the paper aside sighing. He looked up at Sirius, his eyes weary.

"And _you_ could never let anything be!" Remus half smiled but his eyes were poignant.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sirius's eyes requested. "I would have done it."

Remus's eyes stayed on him for a long time. Was his gauging his sincerity?

"It was never important enough!"

"Never important?" Sirius repeated softly, this was not a time for anger or raised voices. "How can you say that?"

"If I... if I had taken you as a mate and..." Remus stopped. He laced his hands together and brought them up to his forehead. He was deep in thought. After a moment he looked up again. "It is not an easy thing to do, Sirius. And I never expected it of you just because of what I am."

"I _love_ what you are Remus. I love _every_ part of you." Sirius took a deep breath. "Would you prefer it if I couldn't handle it?"

"No."

"Then why can't you let me be part of it?"

"You don't know what you're asking of me. People have died!"

"I know that but, Remus, I would never leave you!" 

Sirius looked at Remus for a moment. His forehead frowned.

"Sirius, people have died during the _mating. It's violent and dangerous. You can't control it." Remus looked up into Sirius eyes and there was a memory in them._

"Remus, did you?..."

"No!" Remus interrupted strongly. "But there were times when I could feel Moony clawing inside. Even when he's at his weakest the wolf is still there. I can control him if I try but sometimes..." Remus trailed off. Sirius knowing what he meant.

"Like that time in seventh year?" Sirius said his voice gentle at the recollection.

Remus's head snapped up. His eyes wide with disbelief.

"You... remember that!" 

Sirius nodded.

"Last week, when you wouldn't... when I was waiting after full moon. It just came back. At the time it scared me because I – I didn't – I mean." Sirius stopped frustrated. He couldn't explain how he felt. He rubbed his hand into his forehead. 

"I scared you!" Remus finished his sentence.

"No, not you!" Sirius took a deep breath. He needed to take this slowly. "When I looked in your eyes... I could see how you felt and I couldn't understand _why? How could anyone want to love __me?" Sirius's eyes were glistening with tears. "I'm damaged goods Remus, I knew it then. I knew how fucked up I was... but I couldn't control it. No matter what I did it was always there... Anger boiled underneath my skin... You were right, what you said about Pettigrew. I __wish I could have controlled it, I __wish something would have happened to stop me but it didn't, and it won't. If I had a chance right now I would kill him in an instant." _

Sirius stopped, realising how far he had allowed himself to go. The look on Remus's face was almost unreadable, almost but Sirius could see the anger. Sirius stood up suddenly. 

"I didn't mean to... sorry." He made for the door. He was halfway across the porch before Remus's voice caught up with him. 

"Don't you think I get angry?" Remus was standing in the doorway now. "I wanted to kill him too when I found out. Harry stopped _both of us, Sirius."_

It was true Sirius realised. They had been going to do it together. Tears were starting to well in his eyes. Fight them back, he thought, fight them.

"Then why won't you let me in?"

"I did!" Remus argued. "When you showed up here I was happier then I've been in years. Just to have you in the house was enough to make me smile." Remus grinned at the thought but it soon disappeared. "Then you started pushing me away again. At first I blamed it on Azkaban... but you always did it Sirius. As soon I got anyway close to you, you'd push me aside. Go get drunk or disappear for days. I thought I'd let go of the past but I wanted to hate you for leaving me. I wanted to hate you because... I still loved you... because I could _never_ love anyone else if you were alive." Remus reached his hand up and touched Sirius cheek. "I want to be with you, Sirius but I don't think you can feel the same for me."

"I do love you, Remus." His eyes shying a little from Remus's gaze. "I just..." Sirius's eyes closed over the pain that was growing there.

"Whatever it is, I wish you'd tell me." Remus said not taking his eyes from Sirius's face. "Not as a mate, or a lover, but as a friend. You can't go on like this."

Sirius shuddered under his robes. He felt his body begin to crumble. How could Remus know him so well? He felt Remus move closer to him. He felt his arms circle around his waist and he fell towards Remus's body. His head fell onto the crook of Remus's shoulder. He couldn't hold himself up anymore.

Remus brought his hand up to Sirius's head and just held him in his arms. 

***


	10. Chapter Nine: The Gathering

Chapter Nine: The Gathering 

Harry closed the door to number four Privet Drive and pushed his hands deeply into his pockets. The sunlight danced on the strands of his unruly hair and he could feel the warmth creeping deep inside him. Uncle Vernon had left for work early this morning and Dudley had still been in bed the last time Harry looked. Today was a _special_ day. It wasn't often that he allowed himself to feel this happy about the last day of July, in fact it wasn't often that he felt happy on this day of all the year but today... well, it _was special and for once Harry was going to enjoy it._

He crossed the road and waved jovially to Mrs Buxton of number nine. She returned it with a curt nod of her head. Harry playfully smiled to himself; he really didn't care what they thought of him. The only people he did care about had already made their feelings known. 

Harry turned the corner onto Magnolia crescent and a smile spread wide across his face when he saw the unkempt hedges that bordered the garden of Mrs Figg's house. Sunlight glinted against his glasses and he pushed opened the gate and let himself in through the large black front door with peeling paint. Inside the usual smell had been replaced by something altogether more pleasant. Harry was sure he could hear noises coming from the large kitchen of The Willow.

"Hello," Harry called but he received no response. He walked a little further down the hallway. Mrs Figg had insisted that he made himself at home but Harry had never really been sure what that meant, he never had a home unless you counted Hogwarts and even then you had to keep an eye out for Filch or Mrs Norris.

"Mrs Figg?" he called again. Tufty appeared from the living room and rubbed her body against Harry's leg. The teenager ran a hand down her back and she purred appreciatively at the attention she received. He wondered what Mrs Figg was doing that she was ignoring the advances of her precious cats. He walked towards the kitchen and pushed open the door.

A flurry of flour and sugar mixed in the air and it was difficult for Harry to tell what was really going on through the haze. He coughed as the flour got into his mouth and down his throat.

"Oh God," Mrs Figg jumped at the noise. "Harry is that you already?"

"Umm Yeah," Harry answered. "Sorry I made you jump."

"Don't worry about that dear," she rubbed the flour from her hands into the apron around her waist. "but you're here and I haven't even wrapped your present." She said slightly annoyed with herself.

Harry blushed at this. He wasn't expecting a present from Mrs Figg.

"Umm that's ok; I mean you don't have to." Harry fumbled. "The party is more then enough." Harry felt himself blush more as Mrs Figg's eyes fell on him and he wished the air was still cloudy with flour.

"I won't have a young man reach the grand old age of fifteen without celebrating it properly," Mrs Figg beamed. "but first you have to help me finish up here." Mrs Figg turned to look at the already bowing table of food and confections on display. Harry was instantly reminded of the dinner table at the Burrow. "Now I've got Pumpkin Juice cooling in the ice box and Butter Beer in the pantry. Sherbet Swirls, Honey Dogs......" Mrs Figg counted them all out on her fingers and started again when she ran out of hands. 

"I think that's everything," she finished with a quick look at whatever new delicacy was bubbling away in the cauldron. "I've got to make sure everything is ready for people to come through the fireplace in the living room." She reminded herself nearly leaving the room before realising Harry was still there, looking a little amazed at all the food. "Well I guess there is not much for you to do after all." She said slightly stumped. 

She took off her apron and after wiping her hands on it again banished it to the pantry, with a look that said 'out of sight, out of mind.' 

"I tell you what," she said a little glint in her eye. "You go into the bedroom at the top of the stairs and you'll get a little surprise. He's very tired as he was travelling all yesterday but I'm sure he'd love to see you."

Mrs Figg gave Harry a playful nod before disappearing into the living room.

Harry took the stairs to the upper floor and slowly pushed the bedroom door open. The curtains were closed but a sliver of light fell through the slightest crack in the folds. In the darkness he could make out a large wooden bed which seemed to dwarf the figure asleep on it. Their robes were ragged and well worn and it was obvious that they hadn't bothered to take their shoes off before falling asleep.

Harry's eyes fell on the mass of hair which spread itself across the pillows. It was black as night and still matted although it must have been washed many times in the last month or so. He watched the steady rise and fall of the body as it rested on the bed and didn't think he should disturb him just yet.

Harry began to slowly pull the door back towards him, being careful not to make any noise. He had almost achieved his goal when the hinge let out a piercing groan. Harry stopped. _Damn, he though. He listened for any movement inside the room and when he heard nothing began to slowly move down the corridor._

"Harry?" a voice questioned hoarsely from the room. "Is that you?"

Harry gave up the silence and walked back to the door. Pushing it open again he saw his godfather sitting up slightly in bed.

"Yeah, I didn't want to wake you." Harry said, feeling a bit foolish. "Mrs Figg said you were travelling all yesterday."

"Yeah but I wanted to see you as soon as you got here," a smile spread across Sirius face.

"You couldn't travel by Floo?" Harry asked. 

"The Department of Magical Transportation have that all monitored..." 

"You didn't have to come all this way just to see me!" Harry said feeling worried that Sirius would get caught just because of him.

Sirius raised his head and looked into Harry's eyes. There was something in them that told Harry he would have travelled half-way around the world if Harry needed him. _Of course he'd come!_ Harry told himself. Hadn't he risked everything last year to come back to England and now... Harry wasn't sure how he felt about it, his head told him that he should be happy but there was something holding that back, a fear that Sirius would always be on the run. That their time together would always be in hushed silences and safe houses.

"I could have tried my luck," Sirius finally said. "but I could drag Professor Figg or Remus into trouble," he smiled. "That is more then they are already."

Sirius threw his legs over the side of the bed and sat up properly. His stretched his arms up and worked the sleep out of his muscles. Harry watched him, not really sure what to say. He wanted to ask him questions. He wanted to know what he had been doing but at the same time he really didn't know what was appropriate.

"How is Professor Lupin?" he asked finally, watching Sirius as he turned his eyes to meet Harry's. He _really wanted to know how Sirius was. _

"He's good," Sirius answered. "Full moon's not for another two weeks so he's pretty well relaxed." Sirius explained. Harry had started to look up on the phases of the moon since Sirius last visited. He figured if they were going to be living together he should at least know something.

"That's the Sturgeon moon, isn't it?" Harry said, wanting to show Sirius he understood. A pleased smile spread across Sirius face as he realised what Harry said.

"Yeah, that's right." Sirius looked at him for a moment and Harry started to feel a little embarrassed. "He'll be here soon, he said he was gonna apparate."

"That's good." Harry exclaimed trying to break the air with his voice. He could see that Sirius was still tired but was sure that there was no way to make him sleep any longer. "You should see everything Mrs Figg has made, it's like Honeydukes in the kitchen." Harry said in a lighter tone.

"She likes to show off," Sirius teased the absent women. "She pretends it's not true but let me tell you, any chance for a big cook-up and she'll take it." Sirius smiled and Harry joined the joke.

A loud snarl was heard from downstairs and Harry turned his head towards the staircase. A heavy thud came next and he could hear a rather familiar voice of a redheaded boy curse one of the cats before another calmer one berated him for the language. Sirius gave a short laugh behind Harry.

"I think some of your guests have arrived," he said with a huge grin spreading across his face.

***

"Hey Harry, CATCH."

Harry turned to see a Weasley's Wondrous Whole Drenching Water Balloon heading directly for his head. He managed to duck out of its path just in time but missed what happened next. When he raised his head again Hermione was standing in front of him completely soaked from head to toe, the Honey Dog she was about to eat was now sodden and dripping onto the grass. The cold of the water was making her gasp and from behind him, Harry heard fits of laughter.

"Ronald Weasley!" Hermione exclaimed, her hair plastered against her head. "I suppose you think that was funny?" 

Ron really couldn't answer. He was curled up on the ground and tears were streaming down his delighted face. Hermione took this to mean that he did _indeed_ think it was funny.

"Well," she said, putting the Honey Dog onto the table. "Two can play at that game." Hermione walked over to the stash of Water Balloons that Fred and George had sent along to Harry for his birthday and plucked one from the top of the pile. Ron who was finally getting his composure back realised what she was doing and tried to scramble to his feet to defend himself. It was too late! With a precise aim Hermione pitched the balloon at Ron and it smashed into his chest with exact precision. The boy convulsed as waves of freezing cold water washed over his whole body, soaking him to his skin.

Harry tried to take the surprised look of his face but he had never expected that from Hermione. She primly wiped her hands together, suppressing a small grin.

"That should teach you a lesson," she grinned. "Now I'm going to go and dry off." She turned towards the door but paused and turned her head to Ron. "That is unless you want another soaking." 

Ron shook his head with a half scared expression. Hermione nodded 'good' then walked into The Willow.

Harry looked Ron over from head to toe then let out a yelping laugh.

"Bet you didn't expect that," he said laughing.

Ron shook his head and water particles flew from his hair to all around. 

"Crazy that one," Ron explained more worried that Hermione had drenched him then how cold he was. "I knew it was a bad idea when Fred and George took to making them." 

"Aren't you going to change?" Harry asked as Ron picked up a Butter Beer from the table.

"Naw, this'll warm me up and I'll dry off quick enough in the sun." Harry gulped down a large mouthful of the drink and wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his damp top. "Figg isn't so bad is she? Bill had her for _Defence Against The Dark Arts for a couple of years, said she was a bit weird but pretty cool all the same."_

Harry agreed, thinking that he probably would have gone mad this summer if he hadn't have been able to escape to The Willow most days. At the top of the garden Mr and Mrs Weasley was talking to Mrs Figg. Mr Weasley had gotten very excited when he noticed the television in the living room and was talking animatedly to Mrs Figg about a show he seen once called '_Postman Pat'_ about the life of an ordinary Muggle postman and his cat. Harry was sure Molly Weasley had not seen what had just happened or her son would not be standing drinking his Butter beer.

When Mrs Weasley arrived she was a little on edge by the presence of Sirius but Ron had managed to snap her out of it with an exasperated 'Mum! Stop it, it's OK.'

"So d'you think Dumbledore'll let you come and stay with us?" Ron asked, his voice hopeful. "I know Mums been talking to him." 

"Maybe," Harry said, wanting to believe it was possible but in his heart he knew it would probably never happen.

Harry saw Hermione come back out of the house, she was dry now and Harry though that Professor Lupin must have performed a drying spell on her. She walked over to Mrs Figg and they spoke a moment before Mrs Figg looked over at the two boys.

"Harry, Ron." She called. "Time for cake!"

Harry felt himself blush yet again as Ron punched him gently in the shoulder and dragged him towards the kitchen.

"Come on birthday boy," Ron teased and Harry thought his friend was enjoying this a little too much.

***

Hermione gave Harry one last hug.

"I'll see you," she said. "Diagon Alley, last Saturday before term starts." Harry knew she was making sure in her way that he would be there.

"Yes Hermione," he repeated for the seventh time. "Saturday before term. Mrs Figg said she'd come with me."

"Okay then, I better go." she said, calling into the fire before turning back again. "Happy Birthday Harry." She kissed him on the cheek. Harry could see Ron raise his eyebrows at the action, then she was gone.

"Now come on Ron, you next." Mrs Weasley told her son. Mr. Weasley had been called away earlier on Ministry business and Harry had felt how uneasy everyone was when he left even though he had tried to reassure them that it was nothing serious.

"Yes Mum." Ron turned to Harry to say goodbye and Harry could feel himself getting a little nervous. They had never been comfortable with these goodbyes or even with any show of affection between them. 

"Well I guess I'll see you in Diagon Alley!" Ron said finally.

"Yeah," Harry answered. "Thanks for coming."

"That's okay," Ron said. "I wouldn't pass up on Mrs Figg's cooking would you?" Ron grinned before pulling back his cloak to reveal a small stash of confection under there. Ron hid them again quickly as his mother came back into the room.

"Goodbye, Harry." Mrs Weasley said, pulling Harry into a big hug. "You take care of yourself ok, and just owl me if you need anything." She finally let him go. 

"I will." Harry promised and he could see a tear glisten in her eye before they both disappeared into the fireplace.

Harry let out a contented sigh and dropped into the green leather couch. Today he had his _first_ birthday party. Then a thought struck him. Maybe it had been his second! Surely his parents had done something when he turned one. If not a party then he might have had a cake.

His stomach groaned at the word. He really had stuffed himself today he thought. He looked over at the table in the corner that held his birthday presents. Hermione had gotten him a book which chronicled goblin rebellions through the ages called '_Revolting Revolutions.'_ He had smiled when he opened it and thanked her before seeing a glint of a grin in Ron's eyes. Mrs Weasley knitted him a new jumper and made a parcel of extra double chocolate chip buns. Ron got him '_He Flew Like a Madman_' a biography of 'Dangerous' Dai Llewellyn by Kennilworthy Whisp. ('Hedoesn't play for the Cannons but still...' Ron had added.) Mrs Figg had given him a set of Gobstones. The stones spit disgusting liquid at you when you lose and they had all played a few games before it became obvious that Sirius couldn't handle being spat at anymore. 

Harry heard movement from the kitchen and realised that the others were still cleaning up. He lifted himself up off the sofa and made his way to the back of the house. 

In the kitchen Mrs Figg was scrubbing down the oak table while Sirius washed the dishes and handed them to Professor Lupin to dry. Harry looked at them for a moment without them noticing he was there. He watched how Sirius and Professor Lupin acted with each other. Were they acting like... boyfriends? There seemed to be a tension between them. Harry had noticed it during the day. It wasn't too obvious but they seemed to be just holding onto the friendship. Was it just for show or had they been fighting? Harry didn't know exactly how to ask, or even if he wanted to know the answer. He really _didn't know how to deal with it all. He wanted Sirius to be happy; he knew that, he just wasn't sure how he himself would react to having two fathers in a way. _It's better then having none_, he supposed._

"Can I help?" he asked Mrs Figg finally.

"No dear," She answered. "One of the privileges of being your birthday... NO housework!" Harry smiled. She always was so nice to him.

"Tell you what Harry," Professor Lupin injected. "Why don't you and Sirius have a game of Gobstones." A half smile spread across his face as Sirius shot him a fierce look and Mrs Figg let out a small laugh.

"Very Funny!" Sirius said, his face pained. "It took me at least an hour to get that stuff out of my hair." Mrs Figg hand flew to her mouth as she tried to suppress a laugh.

"I'm just popping to the bathroom," she said quickly before dashing for the door. Harry could here her laugh all the way down the corridor.

Sirius watched her go and his face fell into an easy smile. 

"You'll pay for that Remus Lupin."

Professor Lupin shrugged cheerily and threw the dishcloth onto the counter.

"I'm going to check the garden for more dishes, okay." He told Sirius, who nodded back. Professor Lupin headed out the back door and Harry sat into a chair by the table. Sirius dried his hands quickly and sat down.

"Did you have a nice day?" He asked.

"Brilliant!" Harry answered honestly, then he remembered what he was thinking earlier. "Sirius... is everything okay?"

"How do you mean?" Sirius asked, slightly confused.

"It's just you seem a bit... I dunno, stressed out or something." That wasn't what Harry had meant but he wasn't sure if Sirius realised that.

"I'm just tired Harry, that's all." Sirius answered but even Harry knew this was not the whole truth. After what happened last year he had taught himself to listen more carefully. Not to what people said but how they said it. He knew Sirius wasn't lying deliberately; he was just trying to protect Harry, as he had always done.

"Are you staying tonight?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, it's a bit late to go now so I'll set off at first light in the morning." Sirius ran his hand through his own hair only to pull it away again with a slight grimace. He apparently hadn't gotten all the gob out of his hair.

"Is Professor Lupin staying as well?" He asked. Harry knew this was a bold question, more pointed then anything they had said to each other before but he guessed it would be another privilege of it being his birthday.

"He's apparating back tonight," Sirius explained. "Dumbledore asked him to – well – he has some work to do!" Sirius rubbed his hand along the length of his robe trying to get rid of the stickiness but it didn't seem to work. Finally he gave up and looked up to meet Harry's eyes. "Y'know I think you can call him Remus if you want." Sirius offered. "He's not teaching you any more."

"You don't call Mrs Figg, Arabella!" Harry countered straight away, slightly shocking himself by his brashness.

Sirius smiled at the statement.

"Well you've got me there, Potter!" He took a moment to think. "I tell you what, if you like your present, I'll say Arabella and you say Remus."

"...but I've already got my presents and you know I like them so that's cheating!" Harry accused his godfather.

"Ah but you haven't got mine and Remus's, have you?"

Harry's brow furrowed slightly. He wasn't sure if he should be excited or worried.

***

Author's note: I intended this to be the last chapter in this story but issues I had originally decided not to deal with have pushed their way back in and I came to realise that I had to make the whole story longer to account for this. This is why it has taken me so long to publish more chapters and I do apologise – but hey, if you reading this then there's obviously nothing else you should be doing... 

The next chapters are very important to Sirius and Remus's relationship. There is an old saying I think should apply to their time together that goes 'If you want to know me, come live with me.' Meaning: it is only when you spend twenty-four hours a day with someone that you even begin to know the real person. Some of us find it too easy to hide behind a mask.

Again I shall thank all of you who have reviewed. Katzchen, rachiru-rebonu, Prongs, MorganD, jeswin, HarpersAngel, and of course my dear Marauder, you have no idea what your words mean to me. I have written for so long and yet did not have the courage to show many people my work for fear of seeing that kindly smile which means it is not that good after all. It is comforting to know that in some sphere of the world my words are available for others to enjoy. I hope someday to write a universe as fantastic as the one JK Rowling has provided for us so that others can feel the rush I get with every new appreciation. So in closing – I wish I had bigger words to say this, but – with all my heart and soul: I thank you!

***


	11. Chapter Ten: The Gift

Chapter Ten: The Gift 

When Remus walked back into the kitchen, the three bodies around the table seemed to be waiting for him. They all looked up at him and he felt a little self conscious.

"What?" he asked the expectant faces as he placed the last dirty dishes into the sink.

A roguish smile spread across Sirius face and Remus wasn't sure what his friend would say. 

"Do you have the envelope?" Sirius asked him and the smile now spread across Remus's face as well.

"Oh," he teased. "The envelope!" he padded down his robes and noticed the confusion on Harry's face. Finally he pulled a yellow parchment envelope out of his pocket.

"There it is!" Flashing Sirius a quick smile he handed the envelope to Harry, who looked at it for a moment and then his eyes travelled back to Remus and Sirius.

"What is it?" he asked.

"You have to open it to find out." Sirius teased, smiling even wider now.

Remus watched him, glad to see the other man smiling. Glad that at least with Harry he could act happy.

Harry opened the envelope slowly like he half expected it to explode and pulled out two large orange and red pieces of parchment. As he read them Remus could feel his smile broaden. It really was the best present for Harry. Something he could just enjoy without having to worry about the problems rising in the wizard world. Remus had never been more grateful for his friendship with Joey Jenkins then right now.

"Are these for real?" Harry asked.

Sirius laughed out loud.

"Well we'd hardly get you fake tickets Harry!"

Harry was speechless, the tickets were for a pre-league match between Chudley Cannons and Wigtown Wanderers. Remus knew that other than the World Cup last year Harry had never been to a proper Quidditch match. Even though it was only meant to be a friendly match the Cannons and the Wanderers had a rivalry that lasted many years so it was bound to be very competitive.

Harry ran his fingers through his hair.

"Wow, thanks Sirius." Harry then turned to Remus and smiled. "Thanks... Remus."

Remus was sure he saw a twinkle in Sirius's eyes.

***

"I'll see you on Wednesday." Remus said hating the fact that Sirius couldn't just apparate or Floo but had to travel a whole twenty-four hours to get back to the Lodge.

"Yeah." Sirius answered but his eyes bored into Remus, willing him to stay. 

They hadn't talked yet but their relationship with each other had changed. Emotionally and physically. They hadn't slept together for weeks, since before the full moon but Remus didn't care about that. The only thing he cared about was that he had been able to hold Sirius without being pushed away. Sometimes they would simply lay in each others arms and not say a word. More often Sirius would shake in fear or anger or even pain and Remus would try to hold him until he was still again. This was enough for Remus right now. It was what Sirius needed and he knew everything else would come in time.

"Do you want me to stay?" Remus asked him in a half whisper before wondering why. Professor Figg was the only other person in the house. Padfoot had walked home with Harry over half an hour before.

"Always!" Sirius answered before letting himself smile. "But you _should go."_

Sirius moved forward and took Remus's hand into his own. Their fingers intertwined and Remus felt the warmth in Sirius's hand warm his own. Sirius squeezed Remus's hand gently.

"I'll miss you," Remus said already feeling the ache in his heart. Sirius smiled gently and closed his eyes on the words. Savouring them.

"Go." Sirius said softly and let go of Remus's hand allowing him to retrieve his wand.

With a slight nod of his head Remus heard a soft pop and the Lodge appeared before him.

Remus exhaled a breath he felt like he'd been holding in all day. It was strange to be at Professor Figg's with all those other people. To be there with Sirius. And now to be alone again in Lupin Lodge. 

Remus went to the bathroom and took off his robes. Even though he had fully recovered since the full moon, the last week with Sirius had been tiring and he needed time to relax and recuperate.

Remus turned the tap on the bath and hot waves started to spill into the tub. He tested it heat with his hand and was at once grateful for the fact that the Lodge always seemed to provide the water he needed instinctively, almost like it could read his emotions. Before long the bath was full and the room was steamed up from the heat.

Remus lowered himself into the bath and allowed himself to relax into the heat. It was glorious to be in this warmth. To have it envelope his body. The heat lifted from the top of the water and entered into Remus's head. He inhaled its pure, cleansing aroma and closed his eyes gently. Before long he was asleep.

***

"Remus! REMUS!"

Remus's eyes snapped open and he felt himself confused. _Was that Sirius_? Remus moved and realised he was still in the bath. The water was still warm!

"Remus, are you in there?" There was a knock on the door. It _was_ Sirius! How was he home, what had he done! Had something happened!

Remus pulled himself up and grabbed his wand. He threw open the bathroom door.

"What are you doing here? You didn't Floo Sirius!" 

"No," Sirius said almost laughing. "It was... Arabella, she's got." Sirius stopped and actually laughed out loud.

"What is it Sirius?" Remus asked getting more worried.

"She's got a Spectare Vitrum!" Sirius stopped again as if waiting for Remus's response. He was met with silence. "Don't you know what that is?"

"Yes! I just... I didn't think they were real!" 

"Well they are! She showed me, I think she kinda wanted to get rid of me," he joked. "Harry used it before and I guess she knew I wanted to get home tonight."

Remus momentarily registered that Sirius had called the Lodge home.

"That's pretty amazing," Remus replied, trying to remember exactly what he knew about the item. "She must have had it for years. God I love to see it."

Remus looked up at Sirius and realised that his expression had changed from delighted to half timid.

"What is it?" Remus asked.

"Umm... aren't you cold?" Sirius asked in an uncharacteristically shy way. Remus realised he had been standing there stark naked. His skin had started to get Goosebumps.

"Oh..." Remus exclaimed, feeling the chill of the hallway entering the bathroom. "Yeah."

***

When Remus finished getting dressed he found Sirius in the living room. The fire was blazing and Sirius simply watched the flames dance in the hearth. Remus sat into the couch beside Sirius and noticed the warmth of his leg as their thighs brushed. 

"Better?" Sirius asked his eyes not moving from the fireplace.

"Much!" Remus answered looking into the fire. Sirius must have built it himself; it seemed to calm him in some way. Remus looked at Sirius's profile and realised it was going to be a quiet night. Sirius was lost inside his own head and would talk when he was ready.

Remus summoned the book he was reading from across the room and settled in to read a few chapters before bed. He had gotten it from the local library. A large imposing building that didn't seem to modernise with the rest of the Muggle buildings in the village but rather was lost in a sort of time warp. The vaulted ceilings and large windows reminded Remus a little of Hogwarts Library but there was never enough light for him to read so many times Remus had to 'check out' books to read at home.

This one was called '_Brave New World._' Remus found it amazing how the writer could imagine a world where no one was actually born, but produced by some sort of blood coding called genetics. It seemed sterile and cold. He may not get on with his family, Remus thought but it was some comfort to know that they would always be there for him if needed.

As he turned another page he felt Sirius move beside him. His eyes looked almost closed and his head rested against a clenched fist. How much longer would it take, Remus thought, before Sirius could be himself again? Remus chided himself for the comment. He would never be the same! Too much had changed and with everything and now no one knew enough of the new dangers they would have to face.

"I thought you'd given up on books!" Sirius said having raised his head slightly. Remus was startled by the lack of emotion in Sirius's voice. He was not teasing or tormenting like usual, just stating a fact.

"I never gave up on them," Remus explained. "I'm just not putting my whole life into them." Remus lowered the book and let the dog-eared pages rest on his thigh.

"What is it anyway?" Sirius asked and Remus showed him the cover before explaining the story to Sirius. 

"That's a good idea." Sirius said finally.

"You want to read it?"

"I mean no family is a good idea!" Sirius clarified. Remus looked at him inquisitively but Sirius didn't raise his eyes to meet him.

"Don't you miss them?" Remus asked his friend.

"No! They never cared about me."

"Sirius I'm sure,"

"You don't know Remus!" Sirius interjected. "You don't know what it was like being raised in that house." Sirius shifted his head but his eyes never left the fire. "When I got my Hogwarts letter I finally thought I'd be able to get away. And I did! It was only the summers I had to survive after that."

"What do you mean, survive?"

"I never understood," Sirius continued as if not hearing Remus. "Why she stayed with him. She could have got away. She must have known!"

"Padfoot?" Remus reached his hand out and placed it on Sirius's shoulder. It seemed to pull Sirius back from his memories to here and now. 

"I," Sirius started but faltered, unable to find the words. His breathing became heavier and emotional. "He never..."

For a moment Remus feared that Sirius would leave again. Unable to express himself in the past he had always hidden in pranks or simply escaped until it had blown over but now Sirius sat on the couch not moving an inch. Remus could feel how stiff his own body was under the tension.

Sirius turned his eyes to Remus. They were clouded and tormented, almost pleading.

"I want to tell you, I just..." Sirius stopped again closing his eyes again the pain.

"It's okay, you don't have to!"

"YES I _do_ Remus!" Sirius half shouted bolting up from the seat. Remus fell back into the couch, trying not to look startled. "I have to say it, I have to say the words or it will always have power over me." Sirius was shaking his head trying to force himself into it. "I'll still be eighteen and afraid. He could just show up and I'd freeze. I wouldn't be able to," Sirius stopped mid thought then let a cynical smile spread across his face. "I suppose one good thing about them thinking I'm a murderer is that I'll never have to see him again." Sirius spat. "I'll never have to play the _obedient son_."

Remus felt his chest tighten with the knowledge he realised Sirius had never been told.

"You know that he never even tried to contact me when I didn't come home after seventh year..."

"Sirius."

"He never even cared when we all could have been killed like that." Sirius snapped his fingers.

"SIRIUS!" Remus said more forcefully and this time Sirius stopped and looked at him.

"What!"

"He," Remus paused then continued frankly. "He died in '91," Remus stated.

"What?!" Sirius asked, his face contorting into a strangely confused look.

"It was a heart attack... it was really sudden."

Sirius looked as if he had been punched in the stomach. Remus felt his heart ache to hold him. He felt the weight of the grief that he was bestowing and hated having to pass all of this on to Sirius. _Why had he assumed Sirius would know?_

"But he was only seventy!" Sirius said puzzled.

"I'm sorry Sirius."

Remus could see the emotion ripping through Sirius's body. He thought Sirius would collapse on the spot.

"Fucking bastard. _FUCKING BASTARD_!" Sirius screamed. He pulled up a chair and smashed it into the ground. It splintered and one of the legs broke off but Sirius kept attacking the floor. Screaming all the time. Remus watched him in shock.

"Sirius, stop it!" Remus rushed across the floor and grabbed Sirius arms, "Stop!" making him calm down. "I don't have enough furniture that you can smash it up."

Sirius melted to the ground again pulling Remus down with him. 

"They didn't tell me! They wouldn't even give me the pleasure of putting the _bastard_ into the ground." Sirius took in a few hackled breaths then remembering something looked up at Remus. "What about my mother? Is she?..."

"She's fine," Remus assured and Sirius relaxed slightly. "She was upset but I think the funeral helped her."

Sirius looked back at Remus. His brow creased.

"You were at his funeral?!" 

"Yes."

_"Why_?"

"Sirius, he was your father. I thought if you couldn't be there..." 

"He was _never_ my father..." Sirius hissed, then seeing the confusion on Remus's face he carried on, his voice shaking. "oh he acted it well. I suppose that's one thing he taught me. I always was the best actor, Remus. I lived my whole life with pain and shame pretending there was nothing wrong." Tears were swelling in Sirius eyes now. "But I could feel it all the time... on my skin... I could feel it inside of me. The dirt and awfulness." The tears rolled down Sirius cheeks. Remus tried to dry them on his cloak.

"He took it all Remus, he took my childhood. Everyday I was filled with fear. I couldn't bare to be left with him in case..."

"He didn't hit you?" Remus said already knowing the answer. Sirius shook his head, not meeting Remus's eyes.

"I don't know when it started. I think it always happened, the Dementors trawled my brain until the found it and everyday, _every – day_ the made me live through it. And now I can't even confront him with it. The bastard _died_ without paying for what he did."

Remus pulled Sirius into his arms, comforting him. It all made sense now. Sirius mood swings, his anger, his fear of intimacy. It all made sense.

"I hated being an only kid but at least it was only me – at least it was only me!" Sirius sobbed. Remus felt Sirius arms clinging to him. He held on to him, feeling that he understood Sirius properly for the first time.

"It wasn't your fault Padfoot!" Remus murmured to him. 

"I never told anyone!" Sirius said trying to make excuses for himself.

"It wasn't your fault!"

"I could have stopped him."

"You were only a kid Padfoot. It wasn't your fault!"

"But..."

"Shh," Remus tried to soothe Sirius running his hands through the black locks. "It wasn't your fault!"

Remus sat on the floor of the lodge with Sirius in his arms. Rocking back and forward until Sirius had calmed to a half-sleep. It was only when sun light began to stream in the window that Remus realised how long they had been there. They really should go to bed, he thought but he didn't want to move just yet. It was Sirius who had to make the moves today. Sirius who had to make some decisions. 

He looked down at the man in his arms to see his tear streamed face was now in a half peace. Not asleep yet but falling into dreams would come soon. The morning light always made Sirius look younger Remus realised. It was in this light that Sirius reminded him of their time at Hogwarts together. He had thought they had been easier times for the rest of the Marauders but now he realised that he had been wrong about that. They all had their own crosses to bear. 

Remus was pulled back to the present by a flicker of Sirius's eyes. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked up at Remus. A soft smile played on his lips and he squinted slightly when the sunlight reached his eyes.

"Morning." Sirius said.

"Morning," Remus smiled back. "Are you feeling better?"

"Erm – yeah." Sirius answered slightly blushing. He pulled him self up out of Remus's arm and tried absently to fix his robes.

"Stop it!" Remus said raising his eyebrows.

"What?" Sirius answered without looking up.

Remus reached his hand out and pulled Sirius's jaw up until there eyes were level.

"You don't have to be embarrassed... or shy... or even apologetic. You have _no_ reason to be."

Sirius's eyes flickered slightly but they did not leave Remus's face. 

"I don't deserve _you_, Remus Lupin!" Sirius voice was earnest and sincere.

"Well then we don't deserve each other." Remus replied just as seriously. 

Sirius smiled lightly and moved his hand up to meet Remus's. He kissed it gently.

"but I guess we're stuck with each other aren't we?" said Remus.

Sirius nodded.

"Moony and Padfoot, Partners in crime." 

"In more then crime." Remus added as he moved forward to place a soft, gentle and loving kiss onto Sirius's lips. 

***

Author's note: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out but I had a hard time with it. I am still not one hundred per cent sure that I have been able to convey strongly enough the absolute deprivation and humiliation Sirius has been through. He has however had a bad time of it, to put it lightly.

***


	12. Chapter Eleven: The Bonding

Chapter Eleven: The Bonding 

Sirius turned in the bed and let his arm snake around Remus's waist, pulling him near. He drew Remus closer until their noses were almost touching and inhaled his partner's scent. Remus's smooth skin felt good against Sirius's body and he felt himself smile at the thought. It was so good to be able to just hold him and feel safe in doing that.

Remus's greying hair fell about his eyes and his face was relaxed in a well needed sleep. Sirius thought he was the most amazing creature he had ever seen. Not just beautiful, but strong and loving and brave and most of all, honest. Sirius had always been in awe at Remus's deep seated ability to tell the truth. He believed Remus. He said things in such a way that you just knew it was the truth. If only they had been able to talk to each other all those years ago, then maybe things would have been different. Sirius would have known that Remus wasn't Voldemort's spy. They could have joined together and soon realised who the real enemy was. They had always been good at figuring things out. Both clever but they also had a penchant for giving into the animal instinct in each of them. 

There had never been anyone else, Sirius thought. No one he could just be with like Remus. It had been two weeks since they had celebrated Harry's birthday, two weeks since he had finally opened up and allowed Remus to know him completely. He knew how hard it had been on Remus, he knew that as the full moon had approached Moony became more active and had wanted to protect him but now as they lay in bed on the third morning after the full moon they were equals again. 

Sirius felt Remus move under his touch and moments later his long eyelashes fluttered open to reveal tired amber eyes. Sirius moved his hand up Remus's back and stroked down the length of his spine. Remus arched his back at Sirius's touch.

"That's nice," Remus said sleepily. He closed his eyes again and Sirius continued the motion of his hands knowing how it eased Remus's muscles. A moment later Remus flinched and a spasm ran across his face.

"Are you okay?" Sirius implored, it was awful that there was nothing he could do. "Will I get the Potìn?"

Remus shook his head and the pain on his face eased.

"No," he finally answered. "It's just a twinge." The pain left his face and he sighed. Opening his eyes again, a smile played there. "You're not allowed go anywhere!"

Sirius tried to smile at the comment but there was a part of him that hated the fact that he couldn't help. Not really! He felt that the transformation had gotten harder on Remus over time, in spite of the Wolfsbane Potion. Maybe if Remus would mate with him it would be different but he had always shrugged off the idea when Sirius would bring it up saying it was not needed. But Sirius needed it. He needed to know that Remus and he were bound by more then just words. He _needed_ that assurance.

"What is it?" Remus asked. 

Sirius shook his head but Remus's eyes prodded him for the truth.

"You won't like it." Sirius said in a soft voice.

"Let me guess," Remus said playfully, running his fingers up Sirius's side. "You've had a crush on McGonagall ever since seeing her in Quidditch robes at the '78 World Cup and you only now have the courage to tell me."

"Funny!" Sirius said blankly.

"No?" Remus teased. "Okay then – You just realised how irresistibly attractive Snape _actually is and you want to invite him over for a threesome."_

"MOONY!" Sirius slapped Remus on the back in reprimand and glared at him in repulsion. "How can you even _think of that?"_

Remus shrugged.

"Must be my dark nature coming out." He sighed as he moved his head to rest on Sirius chest and wrapped his arms around his waist. "You smell nice." He said after taking in a deep breath.

"Really!" said Sirius surprised, as he ran his hand through Remus's hair. "I haven't showered in two days."

"Hmmm," Remus groaned as he inhaled again. "Not that I approve but -"

They lay in the bed just enjoying the closeness of each other. Sirius's hand gently massaging Remus's head through his hair. Sirius's mind was turning over in his own head. He loved this. He loved Remus. He didn't want to ask for more but he needed to know.

"Can I ask you something?" Sirius posed finally.

"Mmmm huh?" Remus sleepily answered not looking up.

Sirius could feel Remus's breath warm again his stomach. He wasn't sure how to word what he wanted to say.

"Did you –" Sirius stumbled, trying to keep the nerves out of his voice. "Why don't you want to mate with me?" 

"Oh Padfoot," Remus pulled himself up off Sirius chest and, supported by his arms, looked down at Sirius, his eyes sad. "Is it really that important to you?"

Sirius didn't answer but it was obvious that there was only one reply to the question. Remus sighed and lay back down on the pillow beside Sirius, his eyes scanning the ceiling. Sirius turned onto his side and looked at Remus.

"Is that really so hard to believe?" Sirius questioned.

Remus sighed again and looked at him.

"Yes!" Remus replied. "But not from you." He added quickly when he saw the surprise on Sirius's face. "I guess I do owe you an explanation." He reasoned before running a hand through his own hair. "I accepted a long time ago that I wouldn't have a normal life." Remus started, as if he had prepared this speech with himself many times. "Being a werewolf made things - _something's_ - impossible for me. My parents tried to reassure me and they did all they could but even when Dumbledore let me into Hogwarts I knew that after school my life wouldn't be like everyone else's. I wouldn't have a family or a normal relationship."

Sirius opened his mouth to protest but Remus stopped him.

"A werewolf and an animagus is _not normal, Sirius! And being gay – well – the wizarding world isn't exactly unprejudiced at the best of times. So I accepted that was my lot in life. When we first got together, we were still so young and I think it was the first time I ever let myself believe something else was possible. I actually __imagined a life for the two of us." Remus let himself smile at the memory, but slowly the smile turned. "Then I met Vicki."_

"Vicki?" Sirius said startled.

"I met her after the call to Claymoore Farm. Do you remember? They had a Nogtail. It gets into the pigsty and suckles on an ordinary pig; the longer it goes undetected, the longer the curse that falls upon the farm. The only way to get rid of them is to chase them off with a pure white dog.

"Vicki Silvers was the nearest witch with the right dog." Remus smiled slightly at her memory. "I knew straight away she was a werewolf. I could smell it."

Sirius moved uncomfortably on the bed and Remus's eyes travelled to meet his.

"You don't think I _did_ anything with her!" Remus teased. "Sirius – I'm gay!"

"I know!" Sirius said a bit too forcefully.

Remus watched him squirm a little longer until he finally continued.

"Besides she was about forty at the time, but she talked to me... I'd never met anyone like her before – anyone like _me!" He emphasised. "When I was younger I tried to find out everything I could about werewolves but there were so many fears and there are so few of us that the truth was never really written. _

"She was honest with me – and it scared the shit out of me. I'd almost decided to talk to you about mating but when she told me about her's." Remus's face had turned ashen but he forced himself to keep talking. "It was awful, when the wolf takes over its impossible to control. The mate has to fight back, has to try to force the wolf into submission but it can be brutal. She – she ended up killing him." Remus pressed the heal of his hand into his eyes. "When I thought that I could do that to you – I wouldn't allow it! I wouldn't put you at risk!"

Remus stopped again and looked at Sirius.

"That's why I broke it off. That's why I moved out of our place. I was always afraid the wolf would hurt someone, that I would damn someone to my fate. I could lock myself up at full moon. Now, I can take the Wolfsbane potion but this is something I _can't control. I couldn't be near you because it would hurt too much not to be able to hold you. My body stilled called for you but I learned to deny it, I lied to myself that I didn't need you."_

"That's why you left?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded.

"I took the easy way out." Remus exclaimed then shook his head. "No, it wasn't easy but I thought it was for the best." He sighed. "When you went to Azkaban I felt like my whole world fell apart. I couldn't believe you'd done it. You would never betray your friends – but a part of me felt relieved. I knew if we had mated that it would have been twice as bad. I would have torn myself apart; instead I tried to hide in my work – what ever work I could get. It wasn't much but..."

"You never told me." Sirius whispered.

"I'm sorry. I was trying to protect you." Remus choked out. "It didn't work too well."

Sirius put his arm around Remus and his leg curled between Remus's. He pulled him close until every part of their bodies was touching.

"You know I would die for you." Sirius cooed into Remus's ears.

"I don't want you to," Remus replied, running his hands up Sirius's back. "I want you to live for me."

***

They lay like that for hours, arms around each other, skin warmed against skin, legs tangled and breath steadied. Sirius was able to enjoy Remus like never before. His fingers ran through Remus's chocolate locks. He smelt the mingling of soap and sleep on Remus's skin. He thought that he would never feel so at peace as he did in the arms of this man. This man who would do anything not to hurt him.

"Can I ask you something?" Sirius heard himself say.

"Again!" Remus teased in false annoyance.

"Would you do something for me?" Sirius continued.

"What?" Remus asked sleepily from Sirius chest.

"Would you mate with me?"

Remus's head snapped up and he met Sirius's eyes.

"Are you serious!?"

"Of course I'm Sirius!" Sirius teased.

"Don't joke about this!" Remus warned, his eyes wide and sharp. "After everything I've said, you're still asking me!"

"I'm asking because I love you." Sirius explained.

Remus shook his head in frustration.

"If I wasn't a werewolf what would you ask of me?" Remus demanded.

"But you are a werewolf!" Sirius maintained. 

"I can't keep talking about this!" Remus exasperated.

"Well if we mate you won't have to!" Sirius rationalised.

"Do you want me to _kill_ you?!" Remus challenged.

Sirius thought for a moment. This was not what he wanted but he wasn't making himself clear.

"Remus, I need this! I need to know how you really feel."

"I _love_ you, don't you believe me?" Remus ran his hand down Sirius chest. Sirius could feel the truth in the words as always but there was more he needed to say.

"I – I know you mean it but, I've never put the store on words that you have. Half my life the people who were meant to care about me most lied to me and the other half I was forced to relive it all." Sirius took a deep breath. "I could never trust people's words – but they always showed their true colours in their actions. That's why I need this, Moony. I never had the luxury of learning by experience. I don't want to hurt you and it's not that I don't trust you – I think it's because I don't trust myself." 

Sirius finished and looked at Remus. His brow was furrowed and his lips tight. He just stared at Sirius for the longest time. It looked like he was almost weighing up the words. Weighing up how to deny what Sirius was asking without hurting him. Sirius closed his eyes. He didn't want to see Remus's faced when he refused him. He didn't want Remus to see his reaction. He wanted to react how Remus needed him to.

"Okay." Remus mumbled.

Sirius opened his eyes, not really sure if he had heard properly.

"What?" he questioned softly.

"I said okay." Remus repeated, swallowing back a lump in his throat. "If that's what you need."

"Are you sure?" Sirius questioned.

"No," Remus answered honestly, his voice shaking with fear. "It scares the shit out of me – But if it's what you need!"

Sirius was suddenly unsure of how he should feel. Remus had finally agreed but it was not a happy victory for him. Sirius wondered for the first time if he had asked for too much.

"We do it my way!" Remus conditioned. "My rules! And in my time. Okay?"

Sirius nodded, not wanting to say anything else. Remus fell back on the bed. He looked drained, Sirius thought and he had made him feel that way.

"I'm sorry." Sirius said putting his arm around Remus. 

"For what, exactly?" Remus asked turning to meet his eyes again.

"For pushing you." Sirius explained.

Remus smiled at this and some of the colour came back into his face.

"You could never let anything be!" Remus said but the smile stayed on his lips. Sirius stared deep into his amber eyes. Yet again Remus had amazed him; yet again he had opened himself up to him and had given all of himself to Sirius. He really deserved a lot more then Sirius could offer him. Sirius knew this but he would do everything – _absolutely everything – to make Remus happy._

"Do you mind if I kiss you?" Sirius asked feeling suddenly shy.

"I don't believe it!" Remus exclaimed. "_Sirius Black is asking permission to do something."_

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"Are you teasing me?!" 

"I think out of everyone in the world I should at least be allowed do that!" Remus explained.

"Oh really!" Sirius replied in amazement. "In that case, I'll have to take my revenge."

Sirius threw his leg across Remus and straddled him. Sirius lowered his lips onto Remus's and kissed him passionately, forcing his tongue into the others mouth. Their tongues tangled, both pushing against the other, wanting to take more but knowing Remus wasn't up to it yet.

Eventually Sirius pulled away gasping for air. Remus drew in a few deep breaths his eyes on Sirius.

"I like your revenge." He grinned, before Sirius claimed his lips again.

***

Sirius pulled his cloak closer to him as the wind whipped against his legs. Cold permeated his whole body but it couldn't be explained simply by the weather. It was a deeper chill. He was shaking, inside and out.

The many yew trees planted around him were swaying in the breeze but offered no shelter to Sirius. '_Why did I let Remus talk me into this?_' he thought. 

A huge stone angel rose up before him as he walked and Remus put an arm around him. Sirius stopped and turned to face him. His right hand had started to shake and he felt like any moment he was going to be sick.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked.

"I don't think I can do this!" he answered, trying to hold himself steady but failing miserably. 

Remus's hands drew up to hold his shoulders.

"Yes you can!" Remus told him. "It's one of those things you _have_ to do."

"I know," Sirius whispered not really wanting to believe it. His voice shivered and he could feel his whole body starting to shake.

Remus lowered his hands until he was grasping Sirius's freezing hands in his own.

"Come on, it the next plot." Remus consoled.

Sirius nodded and allowed Remus to lead him by the hand.

Soon he saw familiar shoulder height black iron railings, which surrounded a plot approximately twelve feet by sixteen. The last time he had been here was when he was seven years old. He remembered the washed-out and exhausting November day like he was still that child in black mourning robes.

Two days before his great grandmother had died. He remembered his mother explaining it to him. Eliza Lousie Black had met her end while taking part in the annual broom race in Sweden. It had been a moment Sirius had always remembered and he now thought it wasn't really a bad way to go. When the read out the will she had left him her broom, some gold from her vault (#280) and a ragged old book she referred to as Constance.

Sirius looked at the Black family plot and his eyes fell to the large tombstone at its centre. He could feel his body shaking more and more now. It was being taken over with emotion, but it wasn't anger. He wasn't sure what it was.

He realised that he must have been tremble quite badly when Remus removed his hand and put his arms around Sirius.

"Are you okay, Padfoot?" said Remus.

"The inscription," Sirius replied. "It doesn't even mention m – " his voice broke but it was obvious what he had meant.

Under the etched words telling of the airborne departure of Eliza Louise Black, it read...

_Also her Grandson – Orson Lacombe Black,  
Born 12th August 1921 – Died 24th May 1991.  
Loving Husband and Brother._

They had completely wiped his existence from their lives. He should have expected it really but how could this man, who had abused him for so long and had never even repented his sins in life, have the audacity to disavow him in dead also.

"You're cold," said Remus. 

"No," replied Sirius. He tried to find a word to describe exactly what it was he was experiencing. To explain how he body was reacting and what his mind was thinking. "I can't feel anything."

They stood there in silence for a long time. Sirius just looked at the grave of his dead father not saying anything. He was grateful that Remus didn't ask any questions. He needed to just be there without having to speak. He didn't want to cry or scream or shout. He didn't want to get angry or upset. He didn't want to feel all those emotions he had spent years drowning in. He just wanted to let it all go. That was all he wanted... if it was possible.

After he felt like there was nothing left in his mind to throw out into the ether he turned to Remus.

"I think I'm ready," he said eventually. 

Remus turned his head and Sirius caught a look on his face full of concern, intensified by amber eyes. Those eyes.

"Yeah?" asked Remus.

Sirius nodded and they turned their backs on the grave and started to walk back down the cemetery path. 

Sirius began to feel the warmth come back into his body. His fingers were tingling with pins and needles and his hand had stopped shaking. It wasn't until the got to the gate that he felt half normal again.

"Did you notice," Remus said. "There were two empty graves."

"Yeah!" said Sirius. "But I didn't think you would."

"If you wanted," Remus continued and Sirius could hear the tact in his voice. "You could be buried here."

"I don't think so." Sirius answered his voice considerate. "I want to be with my family!" He turned to Remus and swept a loose strand of hair out of his eyes. He wanted to see him properly. He wanted to make sure there were no more misunderstandings. "That means you're stuck with me – forever!"

***


	13. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Sirius gently lifted Remus's leg off the bed and, resting it onto his own legs, began to softly caress his hands over the wolf's tired and knotted skin. His palms slipped easily over Remus, remembering the curves of his body effortlessly. He had spent long hours wrapped in that body, gasping for breath, pushing all expectations of his desire to their limits and then surpassing them. But now it was different, he didn't need to cling to Remus to keep him close. He wasn't afraid of touching him, of holding him. Before it had been intense, fervent, both wanting to do more then was humanly possible, now as Sirius looked into Remus's eyes he was able to read them like never before. The passion had given way to love, a love that would never leave, would never grow old and would never die. They would still claw at each other, he didn't doubt that, but it would be different. 

Sirius ran his hand across Remus's inner thigh and the other man shuddered. Sirius looked deep into his face and he knew exactly what Remus was feeling. The simple caress had sent electricity through his whole body. Remus took a sharp breath and Sirius smiled at how easily he could arouse his lover. There was no need to run towards the finish line, rushing into it like he had before, no need to push his hand over Remus's body with forceful energy. He would take his time. It did not need to happen tonight; Remus had been quite clear on how he would have to wait for the right time to mate and Sirius respected that. It was hard though, when all he wanted to do was make love to Remus but couldn't in case the wolf lost control before Remus was ready. He wanted to kiss every part of Remus's skin. He wanted to take Remus to the edge only to pull him back again. Sirius ached, looking at the glisten of Remus's bottom lip. Remus gently chewed on it, trying to contain himself. As Sirius's hand moved slowly up Remus leg, heading further towards his crotch, Sirius noticed Remus clutching a handful of the scarlet bed sheets. Sirius grinned lustfully, he knew he shouldn't be playing with him like this but it was so much fun.

***

Remus lay on the bed and told himself to breath. He could feel every movement of Sirius's fingers against his exhausted muscles. He could feel the tingling of the Potìn as Sirius worked it into his skin. His body should be relaxing, he told himself, but it couldn't. Every time he felt Sirius's hand creep a little further up his leg he heard himself take a soft intake of breath and he felt his body spasm. He was already on the verge of ecstasy. He had to calm himself. He tried to soothe his breathing but every new stroke brought a need for surprised breath. He could feel his eyes begin to lose focus. _No, not yet_. He forced himself to concentrate on something... anything.

His eyes fell onto the warm hands that were now above his knee. They wrapped themselves around his thigh like snakes, kneading and massaging the rigid skin. Forcing each muscle into submission. '_If you wanted to know Sirius,' Remus thought. '_You have to know his hands_.' To the untrained eye they looked harsh and calloused. They showed years in Azkaban, hours spent clutching broom handles, and a misspent youth. But to Remus eyes, they meant something altogether different. They were the hands of a survivor. Hands that had gone through too much but were still able to feel, still able to love. Remus watched them move over his skin, needing their warmth, needing Sirius. Now!_

***

Remus foot now rested against Sirius's shoulder. His toes curled and arched, involuntarily reacting to Sirius's touch, gently caressing the ends of his hair. Sirius turned his head and hungrily kissed Remus's foot, nipping lightly at his ankle. Remus eyes, which had been trained on Sirius's hands, now fell back as his neck arched upwards and he let out an impassioned gasp. Sirius could feel Remus's pleasure run through his body. It burned his fingers. He wanted to reach down. He wanted to take Remus right now! It would be so easy. Remus would let him, but Sirius had to hold back. He had to fight his urges; he had to do it Remus's way.

Sirius swallowed deeply. '_Not yet... not yet_.' His own chest was heaving now. He desperately tried to contain himself, but his fingers were on _Remus_. They searched his body longingly. '_Stop...' _he tried telling himself, '_he isn't strong enough yet_.' But it was impossible when Remus's eyes were on him. Watching his every move, reacting to his touch. He could hold out if those beautiful amber eyes weren't staring at him. 

Sirius laid down Remus's leg and lightly touched his hip. They didn't need words anymore, Remus understood. He turned onto his stomach, resting his head against his hands. Sirius crawled up Remus's back, pouring some of the cool liquid onto his shoulder. Remus flinched but Sirius's hands were soon on him, warming his flesh. As Sirius worked out a knot in his back, Remus let out a satisfied moan. Sirius felt his head go dizzy with desire. His eyes spotted. His breathing was heavy but he couldn't get enough oxygen into his lungs. It wasn't oxygen he needed.

***

Remus could hear the labour in Sirius breath over his own. Blood pumped fiercely through his body, heating his skin. He could feel Sirius's hands exploring his back. The hair on his legs pressed against Remus's hips. He moaned again, he couldn't keep it in. Sirius was waiting. He was waiting for Remus to make the first move. Remus's body clenched again. The yearning in his veins was too much, he couldn't wait. All he wanted to be doing was kissing Sirius, caressing him, loving him.

Remus turned and pulled Sirius away from his back and onto the bed beside him. Sirius was surprised. He looked at Remus with eyes that were about to say 'Y_ou're not strong enough_' but Remus silenced him with a passionate kiss. It took only a moment for Sirius to fall into the embrace. Returning Remus's enthusiasm with just as much commitment. The smell of the Potìn was filling Remus's senses, intoxicating him further. 

Without breaking away from Sirius's mouth, he snaked his legs over his hips. He pulled himself onto Sirius's chest, keeping his own body as close to his lover as possible. He wanted to feel every movement, every twist of Sirius's body. Remus ran his fingers up Sirius's face and into the thick locks of his hair. Blackness fell through his fingers as he grasped the hair in his hands. '_Mine... my Sirius, my Padfoot, all mine._' The wolf in him growled, he expected more then words, he wanted to take his mate. 

***

Sirius's arms wrapped around Remus's waist and drew him tighter to him. His hands gripped the flesh on Remus's back. His whole body was aflame. He felt Remus hands in his hair, then on his neck and down his chest. He felt Remus pulling at him, clawing his skin. The wolf's challenge. He had to fight back, he had to struggle. Remus wasn't strong enough but the wolf wouldn't wait. Remus wouldn't wait!

Sirius grabbed Remus's wrists and turned his hands away from his body. He heard a growl emanate from deep in Remus's throat. Sirius flipped him over onto his back, holding Remus hands away from the desired flesh. Remus's eyes snapped open, and the wolf flashed through them. With strength Sirius didn't think he had, Remus shook him off and sent him crashing to the floor. Sirius lay on the floor slightly dazed. He only had a moment before Remus was on top of him again. More aggressive this time. Pinning Sirius under him with a weight he did not possess. This was pure wolf. Moony wanted his mate and no one was going to stop him.

Sirius writhed as Moony brought his mouth down onto his lips in a bruising kiss, his tongue forcing entry, demanding submission from his mate. Sirius yielded to Moony, wanting to give him everything. Wanting to retreat. But Moony didn't give in so easily. He pulled away from Sirius lips and began moving his mouth down to Sirius neck, giving it a sharp bite. Sirius jumped, he hadn't expected that. He pushed his body upwards trying to dislodge his assailant. Moony's weight wavered and Sirius managed to get one hand free. He pushed against Moony, trying to get him away, trying to fight as Remus had told him to. 

But he couldn't move. Moony grabbed his hand again and easily held it in his clutches. He was pinned. Remus Lupin had him beat, for real! Moony lifted his head from Sirius neck, a triumphant glint was in his eye and he looked at Sirius as if to say '_NOW you're mine!' He lowered his head and kissed Sirius again. The strength of the kiss was overwhelming, primal, but it gave way to tenderness and Sirius felt the grip on his hand loosen as Remus fell into his arms again. _

Sirius wrapped his arms around his lover... his mate. He had wanted this for so long. True he had been afraid, but not of the love. He had been afraid of the tenderness, the touching. He had been afraid that he wouldn't be good enough for Remus. That he would eventually disappoint Remus no matter how hard he tried not to. But now, as he lay on the floor, he felt his love envelope the both of them. Sirius knew that for the wolf there was an almost tangible connection that drew him to his mate but lying there on the floor he could feel it too. He knew that no matter what happened he would need Remus, his body lung to him even now. 'Finally,' Sirius thought. '_He's mine.'_

Remus lifted his head up and kissed Sirius's jaw gently.

"Why did you let me win so easily?"

***

Sirius had laughed at the question.

"Easily! You had me pinned Remus. You won fair and square." Remus looked into Sirius's eyes. He knew he wasn't lying but how had he managed to beat him? Remus's eyes fell to Sirius's neck, where a bite mark glistened with blood. The Wolf!

"Did I hurt you much?" he asked feeling strangely calm about the question for the first time in his life. Sirius looked deep into his eyes. He didn't need to answer the question. His eyes said it all. 

Remus reached his hand up to Sirius jaw and ran his finger along its line. He examined Sirius's face for a long time. It had changed. It seemed to be peaceful... content. They both knew that they would have to deal with awful times in the future but it didn't seem so hard to face anymore. Remus laid a gentle kiss on Sirius lips and then without moving more then an inch from the newly moistened lips he replied.

"I love you too."

For the first time in his life Remus felt the wolf smile happily inside of him. In some way Remus knew it was telling him that he had made the right choice.

***

Author's note: I would like to dedicate this completed work to my muse and 'imaginary' friend Queen P. So much of my Remus came straight from you. His strength in hard times, his easy ways and above all his honesty are the traits I am in awe of everyday I spend with you. Thank you for years of friendship, tearful laughter and for listening to me when I came to you with yet _another_ canon related question. I am devoted to you more then you shall ever know.

Thanks to everyone who read, and everyone who reviewed my story. I found this completely enjoyable (although difficult at times) and quite a good way to entertain myself until I can get my hand on the next instalment of JK's series. If anyone is interested I'm going to write a few shorter fics – a chapter or two – in the near future so keep your eyes peeled.

Also if you think this is good, bad or just ok, why not let me know. Or if you want to beta future stories this would be helpful also.

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